When Sunday morning rolled around, you knew exactly what you were getting into.
1. Making Holy Spirit traps out of two-liter bottles
Remember these? All you had to do was rig together a couple of bottles with duct tape and wait for the little guy to take the bait. And if you shook the bottles up, you could make him spin around like a tiny tornado!
2. Lying about stigmata to fit in
No kid wanted to be the last of their friends to have the wounds of Christ manifested on their own flesh, so what better way to get in with the cool crowd than dressing up your wrists with a little putty, ketchup, and chicken tendons?
3. Fantasizing about which VeggieTale you wanted to marry
Chances are you started out having the hots for Larry the Cucumber (who didn’t?), but eventually you matured and set your sights on more sophisticated characters like Mr. Lunt or Archibald Asparagus.
4. Learning about Hell and realizing that your grandma is there
5. Making a big pile of scrambled eggs to feed God
And you know it was the BEST DAY EVER if you were the one who got to climb the ladder and leave the egg mound on the church roof.
6. Knowing exactly what page to turn to in your children’s Bible to see the illustration of the 200 Philistine foreskins
Seeing David raise those oily skin flaps triumphantly before God got you more stoked about the Bible than the Sunday school lessons ever could.
7. Seeing everyone in the room get raptured but you
8. Making God’s favorite car, the Chrysler Sebring, out of papier-mâché
But no matter how perfect you tried to make it, it always ended up looking like a Miata.
9. Forgetting the motions to a Bible song and doing this instead:
10. Having the blind assurance that all the dejection and suffering you’d encounter in life would be mitigated by an all-powerful God of compassion
Now, you live in endless fear of that which you cannot control, knowing you are alone and powerless to the great, unsparing chaos that rules us all.