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13 Celebrities, Professional Athletes, Fast-Casual Restaurants, And National Monuments Ahead Of Me On The Waitlist For A New Liver

Come on. This really isn’t fair.

1. Will Smith


Will Smith is about 30 spots ahead of me on the list, and I have no idea why. He’s not sick. In fact, I’ve seen him with his shirt off in movies, and he looks robustly healthy. I don’t get it.

2. Qdoba Mexican Grill

Why does Qdoba need a human liver? It’s a restaurant. Meanwhile, I am a human who will die if I don’t get a liver transplant.

3. Fazoli’s


Who decides how this stuff is prioritized? I’m gonna come right out and say that I don’t think Fazoli’s, a restaurant that sells inexpensive Italian food, deserves a human liver more than me, a sick human man.

4. Rajon Rondo


Rajon Rondo is leading the NBA in assists right now. The whites of my eyes are orange and my brain is full of ammonia. But no, please, give the liver to the perennially vigorous professional athlete who doesn’t have any diseases.

5. Mila Kunis


Mila Kunis has only been on the waitlist for five days, but somehow she’s way ahead of me. I’ve been on dialysis for five years.

6. Thomas Jefferson Memorial


Yeah, I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that the Thomas Jefferson Memorial doesn’t need a new liver.

7. John Legend


John Legend is listed twice before me. Number 58 and number 70. Two livers for John Legend, a healthy man.

8. Drew Brees



9. Nicki Minaj


Did I mention that I have kids? They come home from school every day and see their dad, bloated and yellow and deteriorating.

10. Five Guys


So I’m a big fan of their burgers, but to be frank, I truly don’t believe that Five Guys Burgers and Fries should be allowed to receive a human liver, especially ahead of me, a man whose blood no longer clots.

11. Axl Rose


Okay, he seems like a guy who I could maybe see needing a new liver. I can’t find anything online about him having any health issues, but I wouldn’t be shocked.

12. Serena Williams


Seriously? Serena Williams? I just can’t fucking believe it.

13. Fort Sumter


I am dying.

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