No matter how much you prepare, you can never be fully ready.


1. You will get so little sleep that you eventually forget how to sleep.

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You will then spend your former sleeping hours assembling elaborate 10,000-piece jigsaw puzzles.


2. You will become your parents, and your parents will become sand.

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All those things your parents did that you said you’d never do? You’re gonna do them. Also, your parents will spontaneously burst into piles of sand.


3. You will occasionally mistake a pineapple for your child and take it to the country’s best doctors to find out why it isn’t moving or speaking.

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Don’t be embarrassed. These things happen.


4. You will change as many as four diapers.

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You’ll be counting down the days till they’re potty-trained.


5. You will realize that a cooler stuffed with couch cushions is wayyy cheaper than a crib.

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Bonus: Your baby doesn’t melt.


6. You will discover that a knife is just a baby-size sword and feel stupid for having commissioned a blacksmith to make all those tiny swords.

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It happens to all of us. You think, I should get some tiny swords made for my baby, and then the second they’re delivered to your house, it occurs to you: knife drawer, doofus!


7. Your baby’s thoughts will sometimes broadcast from your TV at a terrifying volume.

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If storm clouds start rolling in and all your light bulbs start flickering, look out—it’s about to happen.


8. Your baby’s first words will be “Built Ford Tough,” but you’ll just lie and tell everyone it was “mom.”

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It’s perfectly natural that sharing something like that with others would make you uncomfortable.


9. You can’t tour with Los Lonely Boys.

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There’s simply not enough time. The Grammy-winning rockers will just have to do without you.


10. Sometimes babies turn inside out when they sleep.

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It’ll scare you at first, but once you realize it’s normal, you’ll think it’s pretty cute.


11. Sometimes your baby comes out teriyaki.

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It’s unfortunate, but sometimes you just end up leaving the delivery room with a different kind of kid than you wanted.


12. You will become THAT parent who checks their baby as luggage at the airport.

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Start empathizing with them now, because that will be you someday.


13. You will realize that, actually, a fire hydrant is a perfectly acceptable babysitter.

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Say what you will, but they get the job done.


14. Your baby can hold way less water than you’d imagine.

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Three gallons, tops.


15. Your love for your child will be so intense that sometimes glass shatters.

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If panes of glass don’t occasionally explode when you walk by, chances are you’re just not a good parent.