Illustration for article titled 5 Clips Of Me Stumbling Over My Wedding Vows I Wish My Nephew Hadn’t Sampled For His Electronic EP

I get nervous with public speaking, so when I delivered the vows I’d written for my wedding, I hit a few snags. It wouldn’t have been that big of a deal, except that my teenage nephew Jarrod was recording the whole thing to chop and screw my mess-ups into his new EP.


1. Everybody had a good laugh when I accidentally called us “Mr. and Mr. Carson” right at the top of my vows. People came up and called us that at the reception as a joke, and it was fun. But when Jarrod iterates my slip over and over to make a backbeat, it comes off a little mean-spirited.

2. Even if I hadn’t already spent three hours sweating through my tuxedo in a rustic converted barn with no air circulation, “cherish, caress, and care for” would still be a tongue twister. The initial embarrassment of botching it was more than enough, but making a drop out of it just salts the wound.

3. He even titled the EP “Salad Mouth,” which is either a jab at the garbled delivery of my extended sailing metaphor, or a reference to when, at the reception, I asked him to delete the recording and instead he just loudly pointed out the (great deal of) spinach caught in my teeth. Either way, I find it disrespectful, but not nearly as disrespectful as what Jarrod did to my carefully thought-out boating metaphor that really tied together my vows.

4. Does taking the nervous little laugh I gave after calling my wife her sister’s name and turning it into a snare drum sample show that Jarrod’s got some real production talent? Sure, yeah. Do I like that 10,000 people on Soundcloud have heard it? Not really!

5. If my slips of the tongue inspired him to add some art to the world, that’s great. I don’t even really mind that Jarrod turned my train wreck of a final line into a spoken word intro for the EP. I guess I just wish all that could have come from something other than me mangling the most important day of my life.

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