Summer is here! The days are long, the public pool is open, and the honor students have been toppled until September, no longer hot shit now that school’s out for the next two months.


1. Dennis Smythe

Oh, how the tables have turned. Look who stumbled unexpectedly into summer! Dennis, you’re in the real world now, and being in the special math class where they let you take the ACT at the end of seventh grade isn’t worth shit out here. Your big brain isn’t going to help you hold onto any rope swings or make you any more useful than usual during capture the flag. Congratulations, pal, you’ve been demoted to survive among the academically average. For the next two months, the middle-back-row kids reign supreme.


2. Jessica Tackette

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Not at home base anymore, are you, Jessica? You got all this special treatment because you learned algebra on your own. But the ground has thawed, and Ms. Kwetniak is in Virginia for the summer, no longer doting the top 10 percent. Now you’re stuck with us Neanderthals, hooting and hollering that the days are hot. Our Yu-Gi-Oh! tournament starts in an hour, and getting stickers from the teacher can’t help you a lick, so go get your deck and pray for the best.


3. Harris Rubin

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No number 2 pencil can save you now, buster. It’s summertime and the tables have turned! You really think understanding factorials will get you out of playing sharks and minnows? The rules have completely changed, and you’re no longer a god. Today the C students walk tall.


4. Bill Coulson

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Hello, Bill, guess what? It’s July and the world where you got to sit in the corner doing high school chemistry problems while the rest of us learned multiplication is gone. The cruel summer sun doesn’t care how fast you can do long division in your head. All that matters now is who can run the fastest, throw the farthest, and do the biggest cannonballs into Jeremy’s pool. Best of luck out there, Bill. You’re gonna need it.


5. Keira Lundel

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Hey, congrats on your straight-A report card, Keira! You know what it’s worth during a game of Marco Polo? Absolutely nothing. The world you loved, the world of “Great work!” stickers and extra credit—that world is dead. From its ashes a new, better, hotter world has risen! A world of touch football and catching frogs in the creek! A world where sucking up to the teacher will get you nowhere! Everything has changed, Keira, so put away that Jane Eyre essay that got published in the county newspaper, because it will receive no praise here. You and your giant brain have been laid low, and now you must survive in the egalitarian utopia of summer.