When my job moved me to Florida, I couldn’t wait to see beautiful birds in my yard. Three months in, I haven’t seen so much as a bird dropping, and it’s all because of the woman living next door. In no particular order, here are five rare songbirds that might appear in my yard if my bastard neighbor ever stops chugging their feeders dry.


1. Bahama Swallow

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A gorgeous bird with steel-blue wings that erratically visits South Florida during its winter migration, the Bahama swallow would be a sight to behold. Unfortunately, since I can’t even leave out breadcrumbs without my shithead neighbor gobbling them up, I’ll probably never see them.


2. Painted Bunting

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The painted bunting is a neotropical bird boasting an explosion of colors that will never grace my yard as long as my neighbor keeps hopping my fence, ripping the top off my feeders, and inhaling all the seeds as fast as physics will allow. Nothing can stop her. I set up chicken wire and she tore through it like tissue paper. I think she actually prefers it when I soak the seeds in hot sauce. Enjoying my most cherished hobby hinges on this horrible woman stopping on her own accord.


3. Cerulean Warbler

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As long as my neighbor keeps wolfing down their feeders, I’m stuck with YouTube if I want to listen to the cerulean warbler belting out its delightful song of buzzy notes that end in a high-pitched trill (zee zee zee zizizizieeeet).


4. Rose-Breasted Grosbeak

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I tried leaving that awful woman a separate feeder filled with buffalo sauce and a note that read “all yours” but she threw it on my roof. I wish she would move.


5. Kirtland’s Warbler

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The Kirtland’s warbler was my favorite backyard visitor when I lived in Michigan. I would love to see its sunburst-yellow belly again, but of course the woman next door makes this impossible. Yesterday, a coworker who lives close by told me he saw a Kirtland’s warbler in his backyard. I had to excuse myself to have a panic attack in a broom closet. I just couldn’t take it. This whole ordeal has shredded my nerves. I fear that if I ever do see any of these stunning, exceptionally rare songbirds again, I’ll be too broken to enjoy it.