When you’ve got something trying to claw its way out of your drain, sometimes it can be too expensive to pay someone to clog your sink for you. Try out some of these tips instead!
1. Only use red hair to clog your drain: The last thing you want to hear while you’re trying to brush your teeth in the morning is the sound of long talons incessantly tapping at the inside of your drain pipes, longing to escape from your walls so it can insert its eggs into your cat like a spider wasp. One simple solution to push back the abomination that keeps trying to pull itself up out of your drain is to go ahead and shove some red hair down your sink, but make sure you ONLY use red. The clump will naturally act as a barrier, and the growling thing down there seems to be afraid of red hair, while black hair does nothing, and blond hair gives it strength.
2. Yell down your sink for the beast to leave you alone: Sometimes the best way to clog your drain is with your voice. The unknowable nightmare in your sink may not understand English, but if you get your face right into your sink and sternly shout phrases like “I don’t like it when you live in my drain!” or “Please stop rattling the pipes when you reach your sexual climax in my plumbing!” it will understand from the tone of your voice that you are not playing around, which will hopefully lead it to shrink back to whatever hell it spawned from.
3. Try sacrificing a plumber into your sink: It’s hard to think about anything else when the beast under your sink keeps reaching its hand up to steal your toothbrush off the top of the sink then scurrying back down the drain. One easy solution is to invite a plumber over, slit their throat, and let their blood gush out into your sink. The little drain-dweller will hopefully take the blood of a plumber as a peace offering, and will realize that you are not an enemy but a follower. Upon that realization, maybe, it’ll respect you enough to stay on its own turf. This tip is extra-effective if your plumber is also an ordained priest.
4. Don’t shove any electronics down there because whatever’s down there has the intelligence to figure out how it works: You might think that throwing something down your drain that’s a little more durable, like earphones or even an old cell phone, would clog up your sink so bad that you wouldn’t hear another banshee howl from whatever the fuck is down there. But, this crawling gag reflex is not stupid. If you drop any kind of electronic down your drain, the creature in your sink will undergo the process of evolution so rapidly, it will develop inventions humankind could never fathom and use those to free itself from your sink and threaten life as we know it. So putting electronic devices down there: a big no-no!
5. Know when it’s time to just give up and move: Sometimes you can try as hard as you can, you can follow all the rules, but at the end of the day, the unquenchable thing in your sink ends up winning. There’s no shame in accepting defeat, packing up your things, and leaving your place. Hopefully, you won’t have the same problem in the next place you live!