Stealing a piece of orthodonture from a dead body is a hard decision, but it can also be very rewarding. So if you’re on the fence, here are five ways to justify stealing a retainer off a corpse before you call 911!

1. The police aren’t going to do anything with the retainer anyway: When you find a dead man in the middle of a forest, you obviously want to call the police so that they can investigate whether there was foul play. But also, their investigation probably isn’t going to have anything to do with the dead person’s orthodontia! So if you’re alone and face-to-face with a corpse, tell yourself that it’s better you snag the retainer now, because really, the cops aren’t going to use it. They’re just going to throw it on some evidence pile and never look at it again! You, on the other hand, could definitely use another retainer and wouldn’t just let it rot in some stuffy old police station. As far as finding an unidentified corpse in the forest goes, that’s a big win!


2. This is your one chance to find out what a dead body’s mouth tastes like without defiling a corpse: Practically speaking, there are only a limited number of ways you can taste a dead body’s mouth without any of the nasty legal implications of necrophilia. And while at first it might feel weird “tampering with evidence” in a potential murder case, remember that stealing that retainer is maybe the only way you’ll be able to satisfy that curiosity while still respecting the dead! Just drag the body up from the creek, take out their retainer, and find out once and for all whether a dead mouth tastes good or bad. This is your one chance!

3. You’ll be saving someone from looking like a nerd in front of the cops: Think about it: The person you stumbled across during your nightly run already looks like enough of an idiot lying facedown in a puddle, covered in dirt and bugs—he doesn’t need the cops showing up and calling him “metal mouth” on top of that! If you don’t steal the retainer, he won’t just look like an idiot; he’ll get called a nerd by a group of powerful authority figures. In many ways, stealing his retainer before you call the cops would be saving him and his family a lot of grief. You might even have a moral obligation to do so!

4. The retainer would only make cremation messier: Okay, so, imagine you work at a crematorium. Are you really going to put your hand in every dead guy’s mouth and look for retainers? No! You’re burning him, retainer and all, releasing god knows what kind of toxic plastic chemicals right into the air. Burning orthodonture would not only smell bad, but it would also definitely be bad for the ozone. So do your part for the environment and steal that thing already!


5. Grave robbers don’t deserve the satisfaction of finding and stealing a retainer: People who trespass on graveyards, dig up graves, and disturb the dead don’t deserve to find a retainer worth hundreds of dollars more than you do. You’re the law-abiding citizen in this scenario, who did nothing more than happen upon a dead body in the woods. You deserve the retainer more than some common criminal, and maybe even deserve a little reward for finding the guy! So take it for yourself, dial 911, and feel content in the knowledge that you’ve done the right thing. And if the cops ask, just put it in your mouth and say it’s yours. They’ll never suspect a thing!