6 Acts Of Self-Care For Anyone Having Trouble Coping With The Bull Currently Goring Them

Self-care is essential, and never more so than when you are getting gored to death by a bull. Here are a few acts of self-care that you can use next time you are being killed by a raging bull with no hope for escape.

1. Deep breaths: It doesn’t matter what situation you’re in. Deep breathing will be a refreshing way to clear your head and forget about the rampaging bull that’s goring you. Focus on your breathing. Feel the movement of air into your lungs and out through the gash the bull has ripped in your flank. Lose yourself in that simple in-out rhythm. Pretty soon your frustrations with the bull that’s goring you will evaporate like summer rain.


2. Take a power nap: Being impaled by a bull and thrashed back and forth like a ragdoll takes a lot out of you, but simply closing your eyes for a little while can make a world of difference. It’s okay to look at the horn protruding from your chest, decide that you just don’t have the energy to handle it right now, and resolve to deal with it later. It’s when the bull is angriest that it’s most important to remember to look after yourself.

3. Candles: Lighting some candles to create soothing lighting can go a long way to helping you make it through this difficult time. While the bull’s horns are stuck in the wall with you attached, try taking those candles out and changing the mood a little. If you can’t reach the candles, try lighting your shirt on fire. Tip: Make sure to do this before it is completely soaked with your blood.

4. Enjoy some TV: You can’t control how long the bull is going to gore you or how high it tosses you up in the air with one horn before catching you on the other, but you can control how you respond. As the bull impales you for a second time and continues to romp around with you affixed to its head like a hood ornament, why not go online and turn on your favorite show? There’s no reason to let the bull monopolize your life with its sharp horns and limitless fury.

5. Affirm your own value: It’s easy to fall into negative thought patterns about the bull, thinking things like “I should have been able to outrun the bull” or “It’s my fault for wearing red clothing and shouting at the bull and shining a laser pointer into its eyes.” This kind of thinking will get you nowhere. Instead, say affirmative, kind statements out loud. “Yes, I am losing a lot of blood. Yes, it is uncomfortable to be flung around by the bull and slammed into walls and furniture. Yes, the bull seems to have some sort of personal vendetta against me. But being gored by this bull does not define me. I am my own person.”


6. Get some fresh air: Having a bull plunge through a second-story window with you still impaled on it—causing broken glass to get lodged in your wounds—can be a stressful experience, there is one big silver lining: fresh air. There’s nothing like it when a 2,000-pound animal is crushing your chest cavity inward and you’re losing consciousness in pain and shock. Take a moment to feel the sun on your skin and the breeze on your broken body. The infuriated bull can never take that feeling away from you.

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