You’ve been selected to serve your country as a juror. But if you’d rather not, here are some surefire ways to get the judge to dismiss you every single time.
1. Be the defendant: A little-known loophole is that the defendant can’t be a juror at their own trial. Just inform the court that you are the person being prosecuted in this trial and they’ll definitely excuse you from the jury.
2. Say you don’t know what knives are: If the case involves a stabbing, the last thing the prosecutor wants is a juror who is constantly asking what the metal triangle is for. Even if the case does not involve a stabbing, most judges probably don’t want to be near anyone who doesn’t know what a knife is.
3. Write a novel where the characters call sex “banging the gavel”: When you get your summons, immediately sit down and write a book where the characters allude to sex with sentences like “Want to come over and bang the gavel tonight?” or “I’ve been thinking about banging the gavel with you all day.” But make sure to finish the novel and get it professionally edited. If the judge finds even a single typo, you could be put in jail for 20 days.
4. Tell the court your great-uncle will leave $1 million to whoever wins a race around the world: The court will allow you to postpone your jury duty if you can argue a legitimate financial reason. If you’re racing to fulfill the terms of your eccentric great-uncle’s will and complete the serpentine route across all seven continents before your estranged relatives do, you can delay your jury service up to one year.
5. List your occupation as “Mr. Crime”: Since the court’s role is to punish crime, you being a juror presents a clear conflict of interest.
6. Just be yourself: A lot of people think they have to scheme and trick their way out of jury duty, but if you believe in yourself and tell the truth, the court will not feel comfortable trusting you with any important decisions.