If you spend your weekends on the 5K circuit, you need to check out this list!

1. The metallic blankets they give you at the ends of races can be repurposed as burial shrouds if any of your siblings pass away: Be sure to hang onto them! You never know when they’ll come in handy.

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2. Never fuck on a run: This is a mistake new runners make time and time again, and it can often lead to a serious fall that could leave you sidelined for weeks. Experienced runners know to save it for when you get home.

3. Finding the crosswalk is as easy as reciting the Crosswalk Poem: “White on black: You’re good, Jack. Blue instead: It’s the ocean, Fred.”

4. Water > Gatorade > Wine < Soup: It’s just true.

5. At some point on a run, you’re going to see a drowning deer, and when you do, you’re going to look at it and think, “Should I do something?” but instead, you’re just going to keep running, and then distressingly remember it at inopportune moments for the rest of your life: It happens to every runner eventually. Just part of the territory!

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6. Whether uphill or downhill, it’s time for running: That’s just common sense!