Get ready for a harsh dose of reality.

1. There is no job fairy giving out jobs; there’s a job troll, and you have to kill him to get hired: Sorry, new grads, but nobody is just going to hand you a job. You have to seek out the troll’s cave and bash in his skull if you want to get employed.

Advertisement

2. Graduate fuzz will sprout all over your body: Don’t be freaked out by the white, peach-like hairs covering your skin. They’re a normal part of entering the real world.

3. If you show your diploma at a bank, they’ll give you $1,000: Remember, all college graduates can collect their weekly stipend of $1,000 from any bank just by flashing their degree.

Advertisement

4. Instead of reading textbooks, you gain knowledge by slaughtering birds and examining their entrails: Nobody is going to package information in nice, neat little study guides. If you want to learn something, you have to interpret the viscera of seabirds.

5. Life isn’t graded on a curve. When your boss asks how much opportunity you’d like, say, “Eight opportunity”: If you want to be noticed in an office, you have to work hard and ask for the maximum amount of opportunity. Don’t take it easy and just ask for two or three opportunity.

Advertisement

6. Your college years aren’t the best years of your life. Your 40s are the best years of your life: Don’t feel bad that college is over, because your best days are still ahead of you about 20 years into the future. All you have to do is somehow hold on until then.