There are some things in life you’ll only understand if you live in the land down under! Here are six things that only Australians will get, so if you’re not Australian, this would be an ideal time to go masturbate.
1. Vegemite on toast is the perfect breakfast.
Every Aussie knows that a thin layer of Vegemite on toast is the perfect way to start the day. But if you’re not from Australia, this statement means nothing to you, so you should go masturbate instead of reading this list. Even if you Googled what Vegemite is, you couldn’t possibly begin to understand what makes it the ideal breakfast—so seriously, this is the best possible moment for you to go jerk yourself off.
2. Christmas in the summer is the best.
Australians know that Christmas is better when you can spend it on the beach, and as for any Americans or Italians or Koreans who might still be reading this for some reason, maybe try sticking your hand down your pants and getting something going down there. You’ll definitely get more out of masturbating than you would from reading this list of things that make no sense to you.
3. Two words: Flat. White.
Face it: Unless you’re from Australia, you’ll never know why there’s not even a debate about what the best kind of coffee is, or what Australians mean when they say their flat white is “heaps good,” so you might as well cut your losses and use this opportunity to jack off or finger yourself. Close that tab, find yourself some porn, and go for it. Bye!
4. Footy players are way more badass than anyone in the NFL.
Now that the non-Australians are busy rubbing one out, let’s talk about how much tougher footy players are than American athletes. Only Aussies would be hardcore enough to play contact sports without any padding—Americans would think that is absolutely insane! Let’s hope they are having a good time masturbating right now.
5. No real Aussie actually drinks Foster’s.
By the way, if any of you Australians were hoping for a chance to masturbate, rest assured that you’ll have your moment soon enough. Before you know it, we’ll publish another list like this one, but targeted at people who live in New York or have Filipino parents or something. That will be your chance to go to town on yourselves. For now, though, be patient, and please keep your hands away from your genitals while you enjoy this relatable content.
6. It’s called “Macca’s,” not “McDonald’s.”
Australians love abbreviations, and the name of this famous fast-food joint is no exception! Yep, the rest of the world just doesn’t get it. And just in case any Europeans are reading this, what are you still doing here? You should be halfway to orgasm by now. You call the restaurant “McDonald’s” over there, so this isn’t for you. You need to stop reading this immediately, close your eyes, and focus on making yourself come.