Breastfeeding Joe Pesci doesn’t come as easy for some moms as it does for others! These six tips will hopefully ease your struggle to get Mr. Pesci to latch onto your breast.
1. First, make sure Joe Pesci is awake, hungry, and not smoking a cigar: Joe Pesci loves to smoke cigars, especially while breastfeeding. Having a cigar in his mouth will very likely prevent him from forming a proper latch. After confirming that Joe Pesci is ready to nurse, politely ask him to put out his cigar for the moment. If he responds by cursing you out, spank him.
2. Don’t force Joe Pesci to your breast—coax him there by telling him it’s full of Clamato: Forcing him won’t work. It stresses Joe Pesci, and may even result in him developing an aversion to the breast. If he refuses your attempts to guide your nipple into his mouth, assure him that inside your bosom is fresh, warm Clamato, which happens to be Joe Pesci’s very favorite beverage. Now, Joe Pesci can be stubborn, so if he doesn’t believe you, use a label maker to print out stickers reading “CLAMATO” and put them around the edge of your areola. Then coat the Oscar he won for Goodfellas in Clamato, have him lick it off the statue, and tell him that’s what it tastes like inside of your breasts. This will help pique his interest and quell his resistance to nursing.
3. Position yourself comfortably next to the water spigot outside the Home Alone house that Joe Pesci most frequently drinks from: Most experts recommend moms pull a pool chair up to Joe Pesci’s favorite hose and recline it 45 degrees, or at least until the breast is the same height as the water spigot. Now that he’s essentially retired, Joe Pesci spends all day at the house where Home Alone was shot, stomping around the lawn and tasting the water from each spigot before spitting it out in disgust because it doesn’t taste like the water that was in the baby pool he was birthed into. This greatly upsets him. Eventually, he will grow exhausted, hungry, and desperate to taste literally anything else. With your breast readily available next to the spigot, Joe Pesci’s lips will become eagerly flanged like a fish’s mouth and willing to feed from your breast.
4. Wear Martin Scorsese prosthetics so Joe Pesci is more inclined to nurse from you: Having developed a great working relationship over the decades, Joe Pesci feels very at ease around Mr. Scorsese, and will likely fidget and fuss a lot less when he sees you unhook your bra if you resemble a person he’s familiar with. Similarly, having Robert De Niro nurse from your other breast at the same time will encourage Joe Pesci even more.
5. Use a nipple shield to ensure that Joe Pesci’s teeth, all of which he had sharpened to be incisors, don’t cause pain: Pain’s a strong indicator of improper latching. A little tenderness is normal, but remember, breastfeeding shouldn’t hurt. If you’re experiencing discomfort because of Joe Pesci’s all-incisor mouth, which he got done to make it easier for him to be in public without being bothered by fans who recognize his teeth, a nipple shield will prevent irritation and still allow the delivery of breast milk to Joe Pesci’s mouth. Remember, Joe Pesci is easily irritated, and if you feel relaxed, he’ll feel relaxed. Show any signs of stress and he’ll break his own legs with a bat so he never disrespects you again.
6. Look for body language that signals Joe Pesci has latched properly, such as his fingers dialing 911: Once you see Joe Pesci’s fingers rocket out to call the police on both your phone and his phone, you can relax knowing that Joe Pesci has successfully latched and is getting the nutrients he needs. Other signals that Joe Pesci has latched properly include Pesci power-spraying milk out of his own nipples while taking a Sharpie marker to a My Cousin Vinny Blu-ray to draw a Hitler mustache on Marisa Tomei. Even if it takes longer for you to get Joe Pesci to latch than it does other moms, don’t fret! You’ll get there, and you’re a great mom no matter what!