Are you having trouble commanding attention during business presentations? A successful office roundtable does wonders for morale and productivity. Take charge of the meeting and inspire your employees with these amazing tips for throwing the perfect boardroom tantrum.


1. Come prepared

Advertisement

Before you enter any professional meeting, you should have a clear mission and strategy for what you’re hoping to accomplish. How explicit should you make threats of layoffs? Are you comfortable lacing your outburst with strong profanity? Are you prepared to single out Dave Richardson from sales and blame him personally for last quarter’s piss-poor numbers? Going in with a clear plan will help ensure you achieve your tantrum goals.


2. Slam your fist on the table

Advertisement

Slamming your fist against a table is a surefire way to begin any potentially career-ending boardroom tantrum. You want to show your team that you’re furious and don’t care about your rapidly dwindling reputation. Scream if you feel you have to. Tear at your hair in frustration. Loosen your tie and start breathing heavily. Maintain strong and wild eye contact. It’s good that they’ve become a little scared.


3. Break your favorite glass paperweight

Advertisement

It doesn’t matter that your wife gave it to you as a thoughtful gift last Christmas. Smash the paperweight right on the table. After that, break a pen over your knee. Break a phone against the wall. Smash that touchscreen television displaying a chart of this branch’s sales as they go right down the shitter. Dress down Dave Richardson for walking around like a shithead thinking he’s God’s gift to regional sales. Don’t think about what it means right now. It’ll come time to pussyfoot and apologize later during the HR-mandated emotional sensitivity training the home office will likely force you to attend. For right now, these worms know to respect you.


4. Loudly shout, “Are we the motherfucking big dogs or what?”

Advertisement

When delivering this crucial part of the tantrum, be sure to enunciate the words clearly so your team is aware they should, in fact, consider themselves the big dogs.


5. Cry

Advertisement

After everything else is done, feel free to let loose. Show your employees how they’ve turned you into someone you’ve never wanted to be—someone whom you don’t even recognize. Cry shamelessly. Cry for everything that you’ve ever lost. Cry for your every failure. Cry until the tears refuse to come any longer and you’re left red-faced, screaming for reasons you no longer even remember. Cry right in Dave Richardson’s face. He thinks he’s so much better than you just because he’s half your age with twice your ambition. It’s bad enough that he had to marry your precious baby girl.


6. Thank everyone for their time and cooperation

Advertisement

It isn’t easy to pay attention during these long meetings!