Heaven is gonna be great… if only your stupid parents weren’t going there, too. Time to change that. Here are a few easy tricks that’ll turn your parents into bona fide Christ-deniers so you can really spread out in kingdom come!
1. Hire an actor dressed like Jesus to break into your house to rob them at gun point so they see the Lord Almighty as a thieving hypocrite: Once your parents are under the impression that the source of all their moral guidance just burglarized them, they’ll throw their rosary beads in the trash faster than they can tell the police that Christ stole their flat-screen. The result? A better view for you up in that slice of paradise in the sky, uncluttered by your folks!
2. Switch Jesus’ and Judas’ names in an audiobook version of the New Testament and play it on repeat while they sleep: Picture yourself, above the clouds, kicking back with a mai tai served to you by your personal servant, Saint Peter, and your stick-in-the-mud parents nowhere in sight because you manipulated them into subconsciously worshipping Judas Christ and pitying Jesus, betrayer of Judas Christ. Oh, yeah. Heaven’s going to be just like when your mom and dad go away on vacation, but better: You’ll be leaving your stuff anywhere you want, walking around naked, and kicking your feet up on the coffee table to share a huge plate of nachos with the Holy Ghost. Aloha, Zion for one!
3. Convince your parents that God’s mission for them is to go to hell to rescue Jim Morrison: Get ready for a heaven with a population of one and a hell-yeah factor of infinity after you convince your mom and dad to go to hell to save Jim Morrison’s soul from eternal damnation. There are so many ways to do this: Burn Jim Morrison’s face in their toast, print a Bible where the letters that start each line spell “Save Jim of The Doors” when read vertically, pay your priest to slip some lines from “L.A. Woman” into his sermons, etc. This is guaranteed to result in your parents booking one-way tickets to Apostate City.
4. Slowly poison yourself with an undetectable toxin until they lose faith due to the overwhelming sadness of seeing you, their child, die slowly and painfully despite all their prayers: Two birds, one stone.
5. When your parents die, use prosthetic molding on their entire bodies to make them resemble notable atheist Bill Maher and bury them under Bill Maher’s house: In heaven, you’ll be playing your music at maximum volume and staying up as late as you want, because your parents definitely won’t be joining you up there if God thinks they’re Bill Maher.
6. Make your parents believe that they themselves are The Creators of All Life and Matter: This will take patience and hard work, but if you pull it off, it’s a surefire way to earn yourself an exclusive no-adults-allowed VIP pass into Casa di God. To make your folks the leaders and deities of their own spiritual movement, enlist a group of buddies to sacrifice virgins at your mom’s feet, take yearlong pilgrimages to your dad’s birthplace, and build huge effigies in both their likenesses in the middle of the desert. With enough faux followers begging your parents to save their souls, your mom and dad will inevitably indoctrinate themselves into believing they are more powerful than Christ ever was, committing the unforgivable sin of pride and clearing the way for you to get heaven all to your lonesome. It’s going to kick so much ass.