If you’re going to be walking up and down Sunset Boulevard with the Oscar-winning A-lister lifted proudly over your head, you better be ready for your life to completely change in these six ways.
1. You can say goodbye to your privacy: The days of heading out for a late-night bite or casually meeting up with friends at a bar are long over. The moment you start walking around Tinseltown holding Matt Damon high over your head, you won’t be able to go anywhere without the paparazzi ambushing you for pictures and barking questions like, “How did you get Matt Damon?” and “Matt, can you hear us?” You’ll long for the time in your life when you were able to walk into the gym or catch up with friends at brunch without the press nagging you about how you get the Martian star to stay so quiet as you raise him up toward the sky or how you’ve gotten your shoulders strong enough to keep him hoisted in the air so effortlessly. It may be a bummer, but it’s something you’ll just have to deal with.
2. Walking through doors will become a total nightmare: While there are plenty of positives to holding Matt Damon over your head as you stroll around Southern California, walking through doors is definitely not one of them. Unfortunately, Matt Damon doesn’t come with an instruction manual explaining the best way to maneuver him in and out of buildings while he’s lying horizontal above your head, so it’s something you’ll just have to figure out on your own. Until you really get it down, your best bet will be to take your time and ignore the dozens of people booing while trying to get by you, breathing down your neck and frustratingly muttering things like, “Just tell Damon to curl up in a ball,” or “Make Damon eat a bunch of turkey so he falls asleep up there.” There’re no two ways about: Getting this celeb through doors is an absolute headache.
3. Your confidence will skyrocket: Here’s a total perk of lugging Matt Damon around Hollywood with your arms fully extended toward the sky: Your confidence is going to soar to completely new levels. Whether you’re hauling Good Will Hunting himself up and down Rodeo Drive or you’re out in Venice catching some rays on the beach, all eyes will be on you and the stiff-as-a-board A-lister you’re carrying around like the Stanley Cup, and you’ll love every second of it. It won’t be uncommon to overhear people pointing and whispering, totally gushing about “The One Who Carries Matt Damon.” And as you strut your stuff right on through the Hollywood Hills, you won’t be able to ignore that extra little spring in your step.
4. You’ll start seeing a lot more of the guy who holds Ben Affleck over his head: Take this one for what it’s worth. There are times when hanging out with the guy who carries Ben Affleck over his head can be great, especially when you’re looking for someone who understands the struggles of sauntering the 405 at rush hour while carrying a whiny Boston-bred movie star who won’t stop complaining that he’s hungry and severely sunburnt. But then there’re the days when all this guy wants to do is make Ben Affleck bump into Matt Damon over and over, when all you want to do is go stand outside the Chinese Theatre alone with Matt Damon to get some peace and quiet. No matter your mood, seeing this guy around is just something you’ll have to get used to, so be prepared.
5. “Me” becomes “Me and Matt Damon”: It’s easy to get used to doing whatever you want while you’re by yourself, but you can kiss that independence goodbye the moment you decide to pick up Matt Damon and begin bopping around Los Angeles. Sure, you may want to go swimming in the valley, but can Matt Damon swim? You might want to go see a movie, but will Matt Damon be willing to tuck his arms and legs into a fetal position so as to minimize obstructing the view of others? You’ll learn pretty quickly that what you want is NOT always what Matt Damon wants, and that more often than not, holding Matt Damon over your head while walking around Hollywood takes a lot of compromising.
6. With all of the ups and downs of your newfound fame, you’ll start to depend on your inner circle more than ever: Walking around the City of Angels with the Jason Bourne legend overhead changes things quickly, which is why your inner circle of family and friends will become tighter than it’s ever been. You’ll be so grateful to be able to be yourself around the people who know you best, and who won’t be begging you to let them hold Matt Damon for a minute or trying to get him to say his famous movie quotes by bribing him with tortilla chips. It is such a godsend that Matt Damon sleeps for 14 hours a day and that you have your crew who loved you long before strangers began desperately stuffing jotted-down movie ideas into Matt Damon’s shirt pocket while you stroll down the Hollywood Walk of Fame, and you’ll be so thankful to have them in your corner.