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Before you start getting serious about a new relationship, you might want to check this list and make sure your prospective lover doesn’t do one or more of these things.

1. They’re constantly canceling plans to march heedlessly into the ocean: Figuring out how to balance priorities is crucial to healthy dating, and if your significant other keeps breaking plans to march trance-like into the ocean, fully clothed, with their arms outstretched longingly toward the moon, then chances are they aren’t taking the relationship seriously.


2. They keep texting their ex about Kerry Wood’s 20-strikeout game: If you catch your significant other constantly sending and receiving texts about the former Chicago Cubs pitcher’s legendary strikeout game, then sorry to say that they probably aren’t over their last relationship.

3. Their last relationship ended with the Jodi Arias trial: Relationship history is a good thing to consider. If their last relationship ended with a high-profile trial in which they were convicted of first-degree murder, they might not be relationship material.

4. Instead of genitalia, they just have an extra face that says “Sex” over and over again: It’s important to make sure you and the person you’re dating are compatible in the bedroom. If, instead of genitalia, they have an extra face down there that just says “Sex” and “Hot sex” over and over again, you are wasting your time.

5. Their giant birdhouse has no stolen art: If you sneak into their giant birdhouse and discover that it doesn’t even have a single piece of stolen artwork in it, then something is wrong. Huge birdhouses should be filled with stolen art and birds the size of men. You deserve better.


6. They’re not as good as Brad: If your current boyfriend doesn’t have Brad’s tan, muscular arms or that warm, irresistible laugh that always made you swoon, then you need to part ways immediately.

7. They have a boot for a head: You can do better.


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