It’s hard to overstate the importance of a good night’s sleep, but sadly, many of us don’t get the rest we need. If you’re having trouble nodding off, follow these tips to sleep like a baby.
1. Purchase a mattress: While it may be slightly expensive, people who have tried sleeping on a mattress swear by it. If sleeping on bare planks of hard wood just isn’t working for you, consider buying a mattress for your bed.
2. Tuck your feet into two sheep carcasses: Chilly feet can prevent some people from dozing off. Warm up your extremities by sticking each leg down the mouth of a dead sheep.
3. Avoid remembering the Vietnam War late at night: There’s no question that Vietnam was one of the biggest debacles in American history, and thinking about all those needless deaths right before bedtime will get you too riled up to sleep. Don’t look at photos of the My Lai Massacre or recite the roster of deceased servicemen any later than 8 p.m.
4. Make your bedroom and clockroom two separate rooms: If you keep tossing and turning all night, your hundreds of ticking clocks might be to blame. Consider moving all your gonging grandfather clocks, musical mantel timepieces, and ornate Bavarian cuckoos to a separate part of your home.
5. Replace all the air in your house with memory foam: This space-age material will cushion your body and easily contour to fit the shape of your head, esophagus, and lungs.
6. Take Ambien and wake up in a Vegas hotel room full of bloody $100 bills: When all else fails, ask your doctor about taking sleep medication, then regain consciousness days later in the penthouse suite at the Bellagio surrounded by exactly $50 million in singed and blood-splattered currency. Taking drugs should be considered a last resort since there are often side effects, such as the hotel room door being kicked down by an enraged Wayne Gretzky insisting that you’re going to have to work together if you want to live through this.
7. Get your parents back together: It’s no wonder you can’t sleep when your parents live in different homes! Plot a way to get them to fall back in love and remarry, and you’ll be relaxing in snoozeville in no time.