Our beloved lord and savior, Jesus Christ, has been in heaven for so long, and he’s missed all the incredible things we’ve been doing on Earth in his absence. Here are seven incredible sex positions we can’t wait to show him when he finally returns!
Woman on top? Man on the bottom? Now that’s the stuff we can’t wait to show Jesus Christ, our lord and savior! When he finally returns to Earth from his heavenly kingdom, he’ll be so proud of all the sex we’ve created while he’s been gone. Why? Because the first thing he’ll see when he gets to earth will be a man and a woman, either on a bed or a chair, pleasuring each other in full cowgirl glory. The woman will be on top, gently moving herself up and down while the man thrusts himself into her from below. Um, yes please! There’s nothing we’d rather Jesus see first than cowgirl. He’ll be so impressed!
We’ve had 2,000 years to practice doggy style since Jesus ascended to heaven, and let’s just say…he won’t be disappointed. When Jesus finally descends from his heavenly kingdom, a blinding light will burst through the sky, and the clouds will part. As trumpets blare, and hundreds of angels sing, Jesus will descend slowly down from the sky to the earth below. The second he touches the ground, a lone spotlight will burst down from the heavens and illuminate a woman in the desert who is hunched over on her hands and knees, having sex with a man standing directly behind her, doggy style. Our lord and savior, hopefully feeling impressed, will watch the two make love until orgasm, and as they collapse, he will swell with pride. He will thank us for all our great sex moves, then he’ll judge the living and the dead! Will he then ask us to see more? Of course. And we have plenty to show him!
Jesus, just a hunch, but we have a strong feeling that you are absolutely going to love spooning, when you return to Earth to banish the wicked into the fiery depths of hell. Here’s how spooning works: A woman lies down on her side on a bed while a man lies adjacent to her, grasping her and penetrating her gently from behind. It doesn’t take too much cardio, and it’s a nice slow orgasm that won’t tire you out for the next round of sex, or for a quick round of praying to YOU. Genius, right? This is the type of stuff we’ve been working on since you’ve been moping around in heaven with God, the holy Father. And we can’t wait to show you all that and more!
Okay, so no doubt that Jesus is going to love it when we show him cowgirl, but reverse cowgirl? When Jesus figures out that reverse cowgirl is just cowgirl with the girl mounting her partner backwards, he won’t be able to contain himself. He’ll reward us for our resourcefulness! He’ll compliment our ingenuity! With his voice booming throughout the entire universe, he will look at us and say that our time on Earth has been time well spent, and every living creature will be able to hear! He will forgive some of us, and take those people with him to the heavens!
So, we know what you’re thinking. Yes, scissoring involves two women rubbing their crotches together until they achieve orgasm, which the Bible gets angry about. And while we’re proud of this move, there are, admittedly, a couple of ways this could go down. Best-case scenario: Jesus sees scissoring and becomes totally amazed by the sight of two females having sex. At that point, he’ll become so proud of humanity that he brings scissoring back up to God in heaven, where all the angels applaud it and God begins to cry tears of joy! Worst-case scenario: Jesus hates girl-on-girl stuff and drags us all down to hell in an apocalyptic explosion of death.
Jesus, we’ve worked so hard for you! Come down soon so we can show you all the ways we can 69!
Dear God in heaven, hear our prayer! When Jesus does finally go back up to heaven, we hope he’s as excited as we are about the wheelbarrow, the most advanced sex move on this list. As he bursts back through the clouds and stands once again at your heavenly gates, we hope he remembers the strength it takes the man to lift the woman’s legs while her hands are planted firmly to the ground while simultaneously thrusting into her. Everything we do on Earth, we do for Jesus, and we hope, in his eternal glory, he knows that after seeing all these sex moves. Amen!