We get it. You like fossils. Now shut the fuck up about them.


Garrett

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Eight-year-olds can be complete chatterboxes, but even given that, Garrett needs to fucking cool it with the never-ending fossil talk. It was cute at first, but news flash, Garrett: Not everyone wants to hear about how sedimentary rock is formed for the 16th time, okay, dipshit?


Kayla

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If you can get Kayla to pipe the fuck down with her endless fossil jabbering, you deserve a goddamn medal. It’s all “Triassic period” this or “trilobite” that. Anyone who likes a moment of peace should make sure to keep as far the hell away from this fossil-obsessed monster as you can.


Nicholas

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Nicholas. Where to even begin with this fucking kid? He’s always begging every adult he knows to take him to the science museum so he can see the dinosaur bones, even though he’s already done that, like, a million times already. Here’s a fun idea: What if, instead of yammering on about your fossil bullshit, you shut your goddamn trap?


Marissa

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You’d think that in 2016, kids would be a little more wary about talking to strangers, but apparently Marissa didn’t get the memo. This fucking fossil lunatic will walk up to anyone who will listen and start reciting fossil facts, one after the other, without a care in the world. Jesus H. Christ, she is the absolute worst.


Allie

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“Ooooh, my name is Allie, and I want to go to the library because I want to learn new fossil facts so I can annoy the living shit out of everyone I know.”
Shut. The. Fuck. Up.


Liam

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If there is someone whose life is an unrelenting hell and deserves the pity of the world, it has to be Angela Reyes, Liam’s third-grade teacher. This poor woman has to deal with Liam constantly raising his hand and running his fucking mouth about fossils every goddamn second of every goddamn day. It’s honestly a miracle that Angela hasn’t taken her own life yet.


Tyler

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This kid seems to think that geodes are fossils, even though they’re not and are actually just fancy fucking rocks. But that doesn’t matter to him. He just keeps talking about how cool these “shiny fossils” are. He needs to fucking cram it. Now.