I found some of your old clothes while I was cleaning out the house, but I didn’t know if you still wanted them. Here, I’ll go through this pile, and you let me know what to do, okay?


1. Your pants with a hole in the knee that I found when I was going through your drawer

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Oh, you used to love these pants! You used to wear them every day, until they were so full of holes that you couldn’t even wear them to school. I found these pants and thought, “He would probably want me to throw these out,” but also, how could I throw them out? What if you wanted them back someday? You know, if you want, I can sew them right back up, good as new! Or, I can throw them in the trash. Just say the word.


2. The pair of old jeans that has just been lying at the bottom of the hamper for months

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As far as I can tell, these have just been sitting there collecting dust, but you could still love them—how am I supposed to know? I didn’t want you to come back home and ask for the pants and be absolutely furious with me when they weren’t there. But if you don’t want them anymore, they would be absolutely perfect for one of the Winslow boys! All four of them are growing like weeds, and Cindy just can’t seem to keep them in clothes.


3. Khakis that were in the boxes in the garage and have been eaten by moths

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I wasn’t sure if you wanted me to throw them out, but I’m sorry, they absolutely need to go. When the moths found these, they damn near destroyed the garage.


4. These jeans that you didn’t have room to take with you when you moved out

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Quick question: Did you leave these here because you wanted me to throw them out, or because you wanted me to hold onto them so you could bring them back home with you later? I promise I won’t be mad either way, and in fact, if you don’t have room to take them right now, I can even mail them to you if you want! It’s just crazy to me that we keep buying you new pants when apparently you have so many perfectly good ones lying around.


5. Sweatpants that were in your brother’s closet, but I think they’re yours?

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I know how much you loved these sweatpants, but unless you take them home with you, I’m going to have to throw them out. I wasn’t sure if you wanted them, but honest to God, we have so much clutter in this house, sometimes it’s hard to even walk around. Either take them, or I’ll have to let them go.


6. These dress pants that were in your closet that you’ve worn maybe once

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The tag is still on there, for God’s sake! If you think I’m throwing out these $200 slacks, you’re crazy.


7. A perfectly good pair of pants that if you really want me to throw them out, I’ll do it

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Look, you have a whole closet full of clothes that either don’t fit or you don’t wear anymore, and something has to go. I can’t even go in there without tripping and falling. It’s too dangerous! I wasn’t sure if you wanted an extra pair of pants to maybe paint in or just wear when you come home, but this is just too much. So, I’m sorry, honey, but I’m throwing these out, and then I’m going through the rest of your closet and doing the same.