When an asshole is on the way, you’ve got to keep your cabbages a secret or else the asshole is going to mess them up. Here are some places to hide your cabbages from an asshole.


1. In your glove compartment:

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Sometimes, you need to take your cabbage in the car. For example, when your cabbage gets sick, you need to take it to the doctor so that the doctor can make your cabbage healthy by sitting on it in a medical way. Sadly, when you are driving, an asshole can sometimes find his way into your car, and if he gets his fingers onto your cabbage, he is going to make it wither with his disgusting habits. That is why you must conceal your sick cabbage from him in the glove compartment. Assholes often think that the glove compartment is where you keep your mouse traps, so they will never search for your cabbage in there.


2. Under the sand:

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Sometimes you will take your cabbage to the desert to show it to the pharaoh. The pharaoh loves to look at your cabbage and take pictures of it with his Polaroid camera. The pyramid the pharaoh lives in has dozens of Polaroids of your cabbage all over the walls. Unfortunately, sometimes an asshole will find you in the desert, and he will come after your cabbage to make it rancid by lighting it on fire. When an asshole is on patrol in the desert, you must bury your cabbage in the sand!


3. In the dark:

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Sometimes you will place your cabbage in the middle of the floor so that the police can line up in a single-file line and shoot your cabbage with a gun. When the police are shooting your cabbage with a gun, it is known as “The Sabbath,” and it is the only time that God ever smiles. But when an asshole is on the hunt for your cabbage, it is not safe on the floor. An asshole will find your cabbage and make it rancid with his fingers. So when an asshole enters a room where your cabbage is on the floor, you must turn out the lights so that an asshole cannot find your cabbage in the dark. It is urgent!


4. Behind an angel:

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Sometimes you will want to take out your cabbage during an enormous fire so that the fire department can spray your cabbage with a fire extinguisher instead of saving anybody. When this happens, there will be much rejoicing because your cabbage will be getting flat-out blasted with a white-hot river of dream foam. Unfortunately, the parade held in honor of your foam-blasted cabbage will attract an asshole, and he’s going to try to leave your cabbage out in the sun to make it hot and small. When this happens, just hide your cabbage behind an angel. Angels are the natural enemies of the asshole. Angels live in the Kingdom of the Dead, and they respect all vegetables. The asshole will not look for your cabbage behind an angel because he hates the angel.


5. Under a towel:

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Sometimes you will need to take your cabbage with you into the bathroom so that you have something healthy to grab onto while you are taking a shower. Unfortunately, bathrooms are like church for assholes, and they love to come into the bathroom to look for your cabbage so that they can flush the toilet a lot of times while holding the cabbage. Thus, when an asshole finds his way into your bathroom, simply drape a towel over your cabbage to conceal the cabbage from sight. When the asshole sees the towel with a round bulge of cabbage beneath it, he will say, “This towel has become fat from listening to too much poetry.” He will not suspect that the towel is sleeping on top of your cabbage in order to keep it secret. This is the safest way to have a cabbage in the bathroom.


6. In America:

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Sometimes you will be having your cabbage and an asshole will be trying to make it not that way. If an asshole is on the prowl for your cabbage, you can try to hide your cabbage in America.


7. In the afterlife:

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Sometimes you will bring your cabbage to Antiques Roadshow in order to have a man tell you that it is worthless. When the man on Antiques Roadshow says your cabbage is worthless, he begins to weep with joy, and confetti falls from the ceiling to celebrate your worthless cabbage. It is wonderful to know that your cabbage is not worth any money, and when you learn that you have a worthless cabbage, you may become so happy that you will join the military. Unfortunately, Antiques Roadshow is also a place where an asshole often likes to arrive in order to have the man on the show appraise his 9-week-old yogurt. The asshole’s 9-week-old yogurt is worth $1 million because it’s the oldest and most disgusting yogurt in the world. If the asshole sees you on Antiques Roadshow with your cabbage, there is a good chance he will try to do bad behaviors to your cabbage in order to make it rancid. When this happens, you will need to hide your cabbage in the afterlife by killing it and sending it to the Kingdom of the Dead. In order to kill your cabbage, simply tie it to the train tracks, then twirl your long, thin mustache and cackle like a maniac while a train plows into your cabbage at full speed. Once this happens, your cabbage will be in the Kingdom of the Dead, and Jesus and Satan will take turns asking your cabbage if it is a basketball. The asshole will not be able to find your cabbage because it will be so far away in the Kingdom of the Dead, where Jesus and Satan sleep together in a bunk bed. Remember this beautiful advice and your cabbage will always be safe while it’s on Antiques Roadshow, and you can have some peace of mind.