Concerned that your doctor may have a tiny inkling about the dream you had about kissing him? Here are seven signs to watch out for.
1. When your doctor enters the examining room, he’s lightly humming “Doctor-Kissing Frenzy”: It’s a catchy little tune, but it only exists in your dreams. If your doctor is humming it, he knows something. But how?
2. When he asks you to open your mouth and say “ahh,” the tongue depressor seems as though it has been custom-contoured to the exact shape of your tongue: The most probable way your doctor could know the exact dimensions of your tongue is if he somehow knew about the part of your dream where your powerful kiss up in the rafters of your childhood barn caused him to fall to his death.
3. He says, “I’ve got the funny feeling I’ve seen these somewhere before,” while checking your lips for lumps: Try not to turn red with embarrassment if this happens, but it’s a telltale sign that he has at least some knowledge of the part of your dream where your lips plumped up to the size of footballs and you planted a big wet one on his ankle.
4. He chuckles, “No funny stuff now,” as he leans in to listen to your lungs: It’s unlikely a coincidence that it was listening to your lungs that led to the kiss in your dream and now your doc is worried that the same thing will happen in real life. Think back. Have you told anyone about your dream who may have told your doc? Because it’s looking like he knows.
5. When he asks you about your diet, he specifically asks if you eat many raisins and prunes: Raisins and prunes are what you ordered from the robot waitress at the restaurant in your dream. Take a deep breath and try to relax, but this means he is on to you.
6. As your doctor thumbs through your chart, you notice that there is a photorealistic drawing of your puckered lips signed “your doctor” in the corner mixed in with your other records: Try as we might to keep some things private, our doctors tend to know everything about us. They’ve seen it all, including your deeply non-sexual kissing dream, so it’s hard to fool them.
7. When he writes you a prescription, he says, “These pills are pretty big, but I’m pretty sure a mouth like yours should have no problem swallowing them”: Yep, there’s no doubt. He knows.