Get ready, expectant parents. Pretty soon, these are just going to be facts of life.

1. You start craving the open road: Don’t be too surprised when you begin feeling the urge to pack your car with nothing more than a suitcase and a guitar, ready to see where that American highway takes you.


2. The doctor will ask you to give birth to him next: The polite response is simply “No, thank you.”

3. The more your child looks like Ken Burns, the more food Ken Burns will hunt and gather for them: This is just nature at work. Millions of years of evolution have programmed Ken Burns to expend his food-gathering energy proportionate to how much a child resembles him.

4. If you’re going to make a crib out of a plastic bag filled with towels to hang from a doorknob, put some holes in it: You probably already know this, but here’s a reminder.


5. Your baby will get the late-night yearnings for Spain: Just when you think your little one has settled down, she’s yowling in the dark because it’s that Spain-thinking time, and your baby’s mind is in Mallorca.

6. If you’ve had a first child before, this will actually be your second: You may be pumped to get having your first child right this time, but look out: It could be number two.

7. John Olerud hit .363 in 1993: No matter how many books about child care you read, not a single one will tell you that the Toronto Blue Jays first baseman led the American League in batting average 23 years ago.