I have never loved the brown dessert paste known as chocolate, but I have gleaned these truths through careful observation.
1. “Everything tastes better covered in chocolate” is one of the seminal creeds of the chocolate lover.
At first glance, it appears that chocolate lovers only enjoy chocolate. Not so! Chocolate lovers also consume other foods for pleasure, provided they have chocolate upon them. In my travels I came across a chocolate lover who dipped a strawberry in liquid chocolate and ate the strawberry with gusto. Did she also love the strawberry? That I cannot say.
You can only learn so much just reading about chocolate lovers, and it was only after I decided to walk among the people who are OMG literally obsessed with chocolate that I learned this next incredible fact: After eating a bountiful and filling meal of non-chocolates, a chocolate lover will then eat chocolate, even if they are not hungry. I didn’t believe it myself at first, but I witnessed this act with my own eyes. Truly remarkable.
Over time I noticed odd divergences in the tales of the chocolate lovers I spoke to. Rather than being a united group, a schism has split the ranks of chocolate lovers into the adherents of milk and dark. There is also a third, seldom mentioned faction—lovers of white chocolate, the outcasts of chocolate lovers. I was deeply saddened to see that this fascinating community has unfortunately borrowed some of our least flattering tendencies.
I suspected this long before meeting with the chocolate lovers and was pleased to have my theory validated. Chocolate lovers safeguard their chocolate practices by hiding chocolate in secretive locales that only they may access. A common fear among chocolate lovers is that an interloper will steal some of their chocolate, and in doing so leave the chocolate lover with less chocolate than is ideal for chocolate loving. It took me years of building trust in the chocolate lover community before I was told this, as this is one of the most sensitive pieces of their information.
A chocolate lover told this saying to me, and I relate his words to you verbatim. To us it may seem absurd that chocolate could be considered a meal, but it is one of the chocolate lovers’ deepest held beliefs. I did not argue with him to avoid giving offense.
6. When chocolate lovers enter a chocolate shop, they feel excitement and their instinct is to purchase a great deal of chocolate.
I have witnessed this phenomenon on numerous occasions, enough times that it could not be considered a mere statistical fluke. A chocolate lover in a chocolate shop will point at the chocolate and ask for the chocolate. I would stake my reputation on it.
It was an eye-opening realization to learn that the chocolate lovers have as many questions about us as we have about them. Truly, chocolate lovers and the rest of humanity have a lot to learn from each other. In the future I hope to continue my research of the chocolate lovers, exchanging knowledge in the spirit of mutual respect and shared curiosity.