There are some things you just have to have in your bag no matter what, especially if you’re trying to show that you’re finally old enough to have one to begin with. Here are the seven items to keep in your purse 24/7 to prove that you’re ready for it.
1. A library card: Okay, so if you’re trying to pass for someone who’s your mom’s age, the first thing you need to know is that adults always carry around library cards because they’re always going to the library. Whatever you do, do not leave the house without that card, because if you do, everyone at your local library will know you are a child. Also, make sure to keep it in a huge wallet that’s filled with PG-13 movie ticket stubs and expired Target gift cards that your grandma let you have, because come on, duh, you’re not a baby.
2. Tampons: Fact: Adults carry around tampons because they are constantly getting their periods. Even if you haven’t seen a single sign of puberty on yourself yet, it’s key that you fill your purse with as many tampons as you can. You don’t have to know what the different-colored wrappers mean—what’s important is that you just keep a bunch of them in your purse and announce that you have cramps any time you walk past an adult!
3. A calculator: Parents use calculators all the time to figure out stocks or gas prices while they’re on the go. What’s important is that calculators have numbers on them and, if you don’t have one yet, they’re basically cell phones. If someone sees you walking to your friend’s house with a calculator in your purse, they won’t think twice about your age; they’ll just see a fully grown adult on their morning commute.
4. An entire box of tissues: This is a must-have when it comes to showing that you’re mature enough for a purse, because adults use tissues to dab at things on their faces and to also be sick 90 percent of the time. You should have at least one full-size box and at least a dozen travel-size packets anywhere you go, and just to make sure you drive it home, be sure to talk about your allergies and how they’re affecting your marriage.
5. A USB drive or a bunch of loose batteries: Like any grown up, you need to be ready for computers. Either of these will do.
6. Mail: Anyone old enough to have a purse knows that they need to take their mail to and from different places. Your mom has mail all the time. She gets mail because houses have mail and she has a house. Mail is full of things that will prove you’re mature enough to rock your new purse: bills, pictures, jury-duty magazines, a letter about how bathroom renovations are very expensive, and supplies. If you keep a bunch of mail in there, you’ll be golden when it comes to rocking your purse without suspicion.
7. Keys to things: You’ll have to steal these from different people, but it’s fine because they probably already have a lot of them. Also, don’t forget to say things like “I lost my keys” when you’re reaching through your bag. Bottom line, as long as the keys are loose and mixed in with four or five packs of gum, you’ll pull off that purse with no problem. So what are you waiting for? Go out there and prove to the world you’re an adult already!