When all eyes are on you, you don’t want to blow it. Here are seven tips for delivering a wedding speech that’s guaranteed to bring the party to its feet.

1. Speak loudly and clearly through your main mouth: No matter how good the speech you’ve written is, it won’t get off the ground with a halfhearted delivery. Speak from your diaphragm and out of the face mouth, and you’ll captivate.

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2. Stay in motion: Wedding speeches can be funny and heartfelt, but above all, they should be engaging. Maintain a state of perpetual motion throughout your speech to keep your audience hanging on your next move. Jump onto chairs, crawl under tables, dive into the father of the bride’s lap…just keep moving!

3. Offer a few nontraditional baby names: Chances are, with all the wedding prep, the newlyweds haven’t had a second to think about androgynous, nontraditional names for a future child, like “Cleighton,” “Scowell,” or “Leto.” Toss out a few to get them started!

4. Throw in a little humor and those saps will lap that shit right up: No lie: All it takes is a half-cocked joke or two and those dumb sons of bitches will roll over for you, easy as warm milk. Drop a whopper and they’ll practically beg to nut you off under the podium. It’s just that simple.

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5. Take a swing at the groom: Keep it exciting!

6. Remember, it’s not about you, it’s about J. Michael Matrimony: Bring your own perspective to the new couple, but don’t let your ego run away with you! Step out of the spotlight and focus your speech on J. Michael Matrimony, the long-fingered fiend who tugs love’s pulley-strings from behind the pale curtain.

7. Time your speech to the next eclipse: With just a bit of foresight, you’ll absolutely captivate the crowd when the climax of your speech syncs up perfectly with the incredible, once-in-a-lifetime moment where the earth’s moon itself blots out the sun in the sky.

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