Welcome to Courtship 2.0

1. Sitting on the couch giving every James Bond movie five stars on Amazon is now one of the most popular first date options: It’s hard to imagine that there was a time when dating like this wasn’t possible.

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2. Almost no one will be impressed by the fact that you own an electric can opener: This used to essentially guarantee you’d get a second date. Nowadays? Not so much.

3. Instead of going to a restaurant, you imprison yourselves in a blinding cube of rapidly pulsating light: Fun for a few microseconds, but once your pupils begin to separate, you start yearning for P.F. Chang’s.

4. If there’s ever an awkward silence, you can just start playing the Olympics song on your phone to fill the air: Well, it beats talking about stuff!

5. Whenever you catch on fire during a first date, fire alarms now automatically alert the fire department: Before fire alarms, if you caught on fire during a first date, you would simply burn to death while your date tried to find a way home. Now, technology allows us to alert the fire department immediately if we’re ever engulfed in flames during a first date.

6. If the date isn’t going well, you can simply swallow your phone and say you need to go to the hospital: You’re not even lying! Truly a foolproof escape plan.

7. Instead of giving each other a kiss goodnight, you scream “COMPUTER” in unison and slam your foreheads together: Romance just isn’t what it used to be.