For those of us without the bankroll to afford a seat in front of the curtains, first class can seem like little more than a pipe dream. Still, there’s no reason to be resigned to your fate. Here are a few tips to get upgraded to plush, spacious seating every time you fly.
1. Present the pilot with a good, dependable work mule: Everyone loves a gift. If you give the pilot the gift of a strong, healthy work mule as you board the aircraft, it is customary for the pilot to immediately bump you up to first class.
2. Visibly demonstrate your love for the sky: Wearing a hat with a picture of the sky on it or a T-shirt emblazoned with the words “Yes! The Sky!” will send a clear indication that you are truly dedicated to the sky and worthy of first class.
3. Disguise yourself as a mimosa: Alcoholic beverages are complimentary in first class, so if you dress up as a cocktail, you can sit down without anyone realizing you’re actually a human who belongs in coach.
4. Imply that the plane is your brother: Talk to the crew about how, when your mother had twins, one was a human, while the other was a Boeing 767 jetliner, and yet your parents never favored one over the other, which you always appreciated. You’ll get upgraded in no time.
5. Tell a flight attendant that if you were on one of the 9/11 planes, you would have kicked some ass: After hearing about how the 9/11 terrorists would have had to deal with you before getting anywhere near the cockpit, the flight crew will make sure you get a first-class seat as close to the pilots as possible.
6. Press the first-class button above your seat: If you’re ever not enjoying your seat in coach, just press the overhead first-class button to summon a stewardess, who will escort you to the first-class section.
7. Realize that first class is primarily a state of mind: The bigger seats and free drinks are nice, but first class is more about inner peace than any trappings of the material world. Simply love and accept yourself, and you’ll be in first class no matter where your seat is.