There’s no merit badge for failure.


1. Kyle Moynahan

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Kyle only got through Weblos by the skin of his teeth, which is a cakewalk compared to Eagle. Let’s face it: This kid’s going to get absolutely annihilated the first time he has to tie a clove hitch.


2. Keith Teller

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Wolf Scout badges don’t count for shit in Eagle Scouts, so Keith’s in for a rude awakening if he thinks he’s Eagle material. Plus, he’s 14 years old and can barely tell the difference between a spruce and a fir. Fucking bush-league.


3. Maurice Straney

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There’s no way around it: Maurice peaked as a Tenderfoot. A damn shame too, because he was one hell of a Tenderfoot, but now he’s garbage. Pure trash. You can’t peak as a fucking Tenderfoot and still expect to get that letter from your congressman congratulating you on completing Eagle Scouts.


4. Bradley Chasin

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Yes, Bradley won the pinewood derby a couple of times, but everyone knows his dad pretty much did the whole thing. Dads can’t help on the Eagle service project, and Bradley is going to be exposed for the fraud he really is.


5. Jacob Hunter

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Jacob’s a fucking joke.


6. Sean Babb

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Sure, Sean showed some promise a few years ago, but he’s clearly really focusing on lacrosse this year, so his scouting skills are definitely going straight down the shitter. No way he makes it through November.


7. Alex Lopez

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Now here’s a breath of fresh air. Alex was born for scouting. He’s going to completely crush Eagle Scouts. Would not be surprised if he’s already renovating the rec room at an assisted living facility or cleaning garbage out of a stream somewhere at this very moment. The scouts don’t deserve Alex. No one does.


8. Nathan Crimmons

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And here’s pretty much the anti-Alex. Nathan still needs a glass of warm milk to go to sleep, never mind doing a solo camping trip overnight in the woods. Fuck you, Nathan.