Quit your way to a healthier you!
1. Your voice changes to the exact pitch and timbre of Ewan McGregor’s: Goodbye, raspy smoker’s voice, because within two months of putting down your last pack, you’ll have an indistinguishable vocal facsimile of the Trainspotting star, to the point where you can open up credit cards in his name.
2. Your lungs do a nice dance together about once every hour: Free from the yoke of cigarettes, your healthier lungs will resume dancing with each other again up to 30 times per day, performing steps inspired by the pasodoble and calypso schools of dance. Just like they used to!
3. Your heart gets cocky: No longer subdued by the toxins in cigarette smoke, your heart will immediately become incredibly smug. Don’t worry, though—shoveling down a few pounds of red meat is a good way to put your heart back in its place.
4. Your automatic eyeball wipers return: You missed them dearly during your smoking days, but these small protein structures that instantly jut out of your eyelids and wipe your eyes dry when you begin crying or tearing up return within weeks of putting down the cigarettes.
5. Your left arm falls off: Your cumbersome smoker’s arm will atrophy and fall off within the first six months of quitting. You’ll be back to being you again!
6. Your toenails and fingernails swap places: It can happen a week after you quit or a year after you quit, but one night you will go to sleep, and when you wake up, your toenails will have swapped with your fingernails. You can always tell someone who has kicked the habit because their fingernails and toenails look slightly off.
7. Your larynx begins producing smoke: To account for the lack of nicotine and smoke in your body, your larynx will pick up the slack by creating massive clouds of smoke for your lungs to inhale. It’s healthier because it’s more efficient, and you’ll be saving money!
8. Your risk for lung cancer immediately drops to -600 percent: Just one year after quitting your pack-a-day habit, your risk for lung cancer doesn’t match that of a nonsmoker—it plummets far, far below that. Researchers have been unable to find any carcinogen or radiation that can affect a former smoker in any way, and the American Medical Association has gone so far as to say that all ex-smokers should be considered “highly immortal.”