Can you even imagine a kid doing any of these things in 2017?
1. Being used as the bait for deep-sea fishing: Long gone are the days when you could get covered in chum and towed behind a trawler without consequence. Today’s kids are lucky if their parents use them to lure in any type of land animal, let alone an oceanic whitetip.
2. Growing a third neck: Honestly, good luck even trying to grow a second neck these days without parents shutting it down.
3. Bestowing Christian names upon bags of gravel: Three words: Ain’t gonna happen.
4. Running to get a cup of water from your neighbor’s pool: After a day of playing with friends, nothing beat sneaking into your neighbor’s backyard and taking a glass of cold pool water.
5. Becoming a brioche entrepreneur: While ’80s parents would be thrilled to hear that their child was starting a brioche business, parents today would try to steer their kids toward other options, like sourdough or rye.
6. Being the peanut butter boy: It was always the most fun way to spend a summer afternoon, but now, no parent can let it happen—not since 9/11.
7. Blaspheming the old gods: Calling Odin a pussy was a rite of passage for you that your kids will never get to experience.
8. Hatching your eggs: Remember your excitement at laying your first eggs, brooding on them for days, and finally seeing the little hatchlings inside? Parents have started denying their children this initiation into maturity by collecting and safely disposing of any eggs before they can hatch. Just a sign of the times.