What did I do to deserve this?
1. Estate Sale Of The Late Anita Christiano
A few years back, I was perusing the antiques of a woman who had just died, and then right there on the table, what do I see? None other than my own prosthetic arm, which had disappeared just a few days before. Much to my disdain, I had to buy it back, even after I informed the next of kin that it belonged to me.
2. Estate Sale Of The Late Hank Blomberg
My arm had gone missing again, and I had decided to go bargain hunting to maybe blow off some steam. You can imagine my surprise when I spotted my lost prosthetic arm sitting on a table front and center, locked in a display case. I immediately repurchased it, but in a humiliating turn of events, I was forced to haggle for it.
3. Estate Sale At 657 N. Hudson St.
The man running the cash register here was wearing my prosthetic arm and kept telling anyone who would listen that it belonged to him. Even after I showed him my initials engraved just below the elbow, he refused to admit that it was mine. On top of that, he already had two functioning arms and didn’t even need the prosthetic. I don’t even want to say how much money I had to give this crook to finally get it back.
4. Estate Sale At The Kalamazoo Flea Market
When I bought back my arm this time, it had been painted a completely different color and had a ring stuck firmly on its thumb. Although the limb itself was a disaster, I was able to wear it without incident for an entire year—that is, until it went missing again.
5. My Mother’s Estate Sale
Making this terrible scenario even worse was that my mother had willed my prosthetic arm to my cruel brother Harrison, who refused to part with it for anything less than a princely sum. Due to all the money I had spent buying my prosthetic arm back previously, I was in no place to pay the legal fees to sue for it back, so I just had to grit my teeth and pay that snake Harrison.
6. Estate Sale Of The Late Justine Hammon
Justine’s family had opted to conduct her estate sale as an auction, and when I saw my arm being evaluated on stage, I had no choice but to enter a heated bidding war with another attendee. Although I don’t remember how much I paid, I do remember the auctioneer yelling, “Sold, to the man with only one arm.”
7. Estate Sale Of The Late Justine Hammon
This was at the same auction just one hour later. Truly a bad night for me.
8. Estate Sale Of The Late Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia
Christ. The next time my arm gets sold at an estate sale, someone else can buy it.