Earthquakes are among the most destructive natural forces in the world, and if you’re in the middle of one, you don’t want to feel helpless. Here are some tips for staying safe during an earthquake.

1. Go skydiving: It’s a well-known fact that the safest place to be during an earthquake is in the air. This is why you should always go skydiving as soon as the earthquake starts.

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2. Do not use an earthquake as a time to Google “Is Earthquake good or is Earthquake bad”: Here’s the answer: Earthquake is bad. You do not need to waste valuable time looking this up again.

3. Avoid large, unsecured objects like Rickety Ronald and Wobbly William: Rickety Ronald and Wobbly William are two of the wonkiest, shakiest fellas around. In the event of an earthquake, steer clear of these precariously teetering goons.

4. Identify an unnecessary man and lift him up over your head: Find an unnecessary man and lift him over your head to shield yourself from falling debris. If the unnecessary man dies, nobody will miss him. His wife will say, “Whatever” and his children will say, “That’s fine.”

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5. Try to avoid being around for the famous 1906 San Francisco earthquake: It’s one of the worst natural disasters in American history, and you’re going to want to steer clear of it.

6. Do the quake: You gotta shake it on back. Then you shake it on up. Look left; look right. Everyone’s doing the quake!

7. Live in a place God doesn’t hate: When looking for a home, avoid any states or countries that God wants to destroy.

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8. Proceed directly to your earthquake shelter stocked with Larmers™ brand ham medallions: When disaster hits and the future looks bleak, the one thing you can count on is the finely crafted flavor of Larmers™ brand ham medallions. For decades, Larmers™ has proudly lined the shelves of American earthquake shelters, providing the sustenance—and flavor—that you need in times of crisis. It’s this type of reliability that has made Larmers™ brand ham medallions “America’s Favorite Taste” since 1928.