Use these simple tips and your restless baby will be snoozing in no time!
1. Pack your baby in ice: All day long, your baby is exposed to warm things—warm milk, the warmth of a mother’s touch—and she begins to naturally identify warmth with being awake. Her body won’t tell her to sleep until she’s in a very different type of environment, which is why, come bedtime, you should make sure to pack her snugly into a cooler full of ice.
2. Tighten your baby’s nightmare mask: If your baby won’t stay asleep, there’s a good chance it’s because she’s having nightmares. So be sure to pull the leather straps on her nightmare mask extra tight and check to see that the steel muzzle is firmly positioned over her mouth; otherwise, those bad dreams just might be able to squeeze their way in.
3. Turn off the coyote siren: While it’s undeniably important to have a loud siren blaring 24/7 to keep the coyotes from gnawing on your car, sometimes it’s more important for your baby to get some sleep.
4. Summon the Nightwatchman: He does not speak and he does not move, but the presence of the Nightwatchman staring unblinkingly from the corner of your baby’s bedroom will almost certainly lull her into a nice, deep slumber.
5. Treat your baby to a Larmers™ brand ham medallion: There’s nothing like a big, hearty meal to get you ready for a good night’s rest, and there’s nothing heartier than Larmers™ brand ham medallions. Whether first thing in the morning or right before bed, Larmers™ brand ham medallions are the perfect treat at any hour of the day, which is why they’ve been “America’s Favorite Taste” since 1928.
6. Pretend Warren Buffett is there: If your baby believes that the esteemed Berkshire Hathaway CEO is there in her home, she will do everything she can to impress him, which in this case means proving that she is a big girl by obeying her parents’ wishes for her to go to sleep.
7. Stop giving your baby rolls: Do you sometimes find yourself stuffing 16 rolls into your baby’s mouth every single night without even thinking? Give it a rest! How is your baby ever supposed to sleep if you’re constantly filing into her room with trays of piping-hot, freshly baked rolls for her to eat?
8. Recite “The Sleeper’s Prayer”: Mothers have been using this simple poem for centuries to soothe their children to sleep, and it’s still as effective as ever. Simply repeat these words: “O, sweet and precious child, / Kill thy brain for just a while. / Close thy face; do not thrash, / Lest Satan huck you in the trash. / Hell is real! / Hell is real! / Hell is real!” Sweet dreams.