Mother’s Day is right around the corner, and if you’re looking to show the woman who carried you around for nine months that she’s extra special, we’ve got some helpful ideas.
1. Renew your vows as child and mother: After years of being child and mother, we can sometimes forget what we mean to one another. Remind your mom how much you care by inviting your friends and family to watch you retake your familial vows in a private Mother’s Day ceremony.
2. Don’t say the word “dad” for the whole day: Your mom will appreciate it if you refrain from saying “dad” on Mother’s Day. Repay the favor to Dad in June!
3. Offer to wash her hair in the sink: She used to do this for you all the time when you were a baby. It’s time to return the favor.
4. Pay Meryl Streep to go on television and say she’s a heap of steaming shit compared to your mom: If you want to make your mom feel extra special this Mother’s Day, pay Meryl Streep to hold a press conference on live television where the Academy Award–winning actress says that she’s a hot steaming pile of dogshit compared to the wonderful woman your mom is.
5. Offer to fight her: Your mom is dying to confront you in hand-to-hand combat at last. Give her the opportunity to destroy you in front of a paying audience on Mother’s Day, and her heart will swell with joy.
6. Launch yourself out of a cannon into a giant billboard of your mother’s face: This is the kind of grand gesture that will really show your mom that you love and appreciate her.
7. Remove the large tree that fell on her in March: There’s nothing moms like more than complete body mobility, so getting a group together to remove the elm tree that has pinned her to the ground since early March will definitely make your mom smile.
8. Legally change your name to “Mom” for the day: Moms love this!