8 Ways Your Ordinary Office Job Is Slowly Killing You

Promote your health to the corner office!


1. Sitting too long and holding your breath the entire time

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According to all recent findings, sitting in one place too long can lead to hypertension, blood clots, and heart disease, while holding your breath for an extended period of time reduces the flow of oxygen to your brain and slowly shuts down your circulatory system. Avoid this by standing up every few hours at work and occasionally breathing.


2. Feeding your hair through a paper shredder

We do it at the office so frequently, we forget what negative effects feeding your hair through a paper shredder can have on your body. Try to limit feeding your hair through a paper shredder to one or two times per day. Your body will thank you!


3. Fluorescent lights

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Think fluorescent lights aren’t harming you? Think again. These types of lights can strain your eyes to the point where you can actually see infrared light, and its haunting beauty will make the visible light spectrum feel pointless and dull. You will shun your family and friends because they can only see visible light and will never understand the entrancing but mournful elegance that only exists in the world of infrared.


4. Taking your lunch break in the hull of a sunken ocean liner

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With lengthy meetings and packed schedules, eating lunch at work can be tough, but that’s no reason to eat in the hold of the doomed San Augustin, which lies hundreds of feet below the lapping surf of the Pacific Ocean. Try taking a 30-minute break in your office kitchen instead, and suppress the urge to eat only in a long-submerged seafaring vessel.


5. Cigarette reports

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We all know that overwhelmed feeling when your boss drops six cartons of cigarettes on your desk and says, “Have these all smoked by the end of the day.” But stressing about a cigarette report can lead to high blood pressure and lack of sleep. If you manage your time well and space out smoking the cigarettes, you’ll have the cigarette report done in no time while remaining stress-free.


6. Infected workplace tattoo

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Most tattoos performed in the workplace do not conform to federal sanitation standards, so it is highly recommended that you get your office tattoo checked out by a licensed physician, especially if it was given to you by Nathan in accounting, because he’s fucking disgusting.


7. Snacking from the egg bowl

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Just because your office has a free bowl of loose egg yolks, it doesn’t mean you need to ladle some into your mouth every time you pass it. Moderation is key!


8. Workplace shootings

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A crazed gunman in the workplace can increase your anxiety and stress, often to very unhealthy levels. The next time one of your deranged coworkers brings an assault rifle to the office, try to maintain deep, slow breathing during the entire ordeal. You’ll greatly reduce your risk of heart attack and you’ll feel much healthier.

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