Okay, well, now, I don’t have to tell you that there are some mighty fast cars out there. We’ve all seen the roadsters and the hot rods rocketing to and fro on all the streets and roads at blinding speeds. Sometimes, when you’re a lazy-paced kind of fellow like me, some of those lightning-quick cars that come shooting down all the important highways are just too much to keep up with.


1. Well, now, you know me. I’m up with the sun and down with the sun, and I’ve got to tell you that this hot rod is just too fast for a laid-back guy like me. I simply could never keep up.

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2. This is another fine example of a roadster that’s simply far too swollen with velocity for a moseying man such as I. Now, what on earth would I do in a slick-as-the-wind kind of hot rod like this one? Get sick in it, that’s what.

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3. Wow. Well, okay, you see, now here is another very fast car. If you are the kind of person who needs to get somewhere in a real hurry, then by all means, hop in. But me? Now, well, understand, I’m the kind of guy who puts his gloves on one finger at a time and enjoys the slow things in life, like a sleeping egg or a coyote that’s standing still. This car’s a bit much for me.

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4. Now, well, my question is where do all of these roadsters think they’re going in such a hurry? In my case, well…as you must know, I sleep through my evenings one nightmare at a time and never forget to go outside without my hat, and all in all, I’m just a slow guy who’s going to have to say no to this speed demon.

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5. This flashy hot rod makes me sweat.

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6. Like I say, I take the time to enjoy life, and I simply do not rush things. I tuck my children into bed one daughter at a time, and I’m not standing there in the dark with a blanket in each hand trying to tuck in two daughters at once. This hot rod right here is doing the driving version of trying to tuck in two daughters at once.

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7. Now, when it comes to me and my own slow-going, moseying way, I like a nice car that putters calmly down the road in no rush to get anyplace special at any particular time. On nice summer days, I’ll pack up my wife and my daughters and all the easy-going gang of us will drive out to the country for a picnic, and if we’re lucky the drive out is so slow that it takes us all day, and we have to have the picnic in the dark, and we eat very slowly.

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8. Well, you see, now, when it comes to this quick-as-lightning roadster right here, I’m going to have to say, “No thank you, sir or madam.” All of my daughters call me “Jalopy Boy,” because they know that that’s the kind of car best suited to me.

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9. I politely decline for speed-related reasons.

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