Buying a jade statue of your parents having sex with each other from an authentic jade dealer in Beijing can be a complicated process. Here are nine essential Chinese phrases you’ll need to know in order to make your search for the perfect jade statue of your parents having sex as successful as possible!

1.「早上好,新朋友。把玉都呈上来。每一尊刻着我父母机械式地、无声无息地做着的爱的玉
凋都给拿过来放进塑胶袋裡,否则我可要在这儿大发美国脾气了。要价多少我都愿意付。」

“Good morning, new best friend. Surrender your jade to me. Every statue depicting my mother and father having underwhelming sex in total silence must be placed in this plastic bag or else I will create an American tantrum in your neighborhood. I am willing to pay you every penny I have.”

2.「这尊我父母做爱的玉凋太小,重达三千公斤的有没有?」

“This statue of my parents having sex is too small. Do you have one that weighs 6,000 pounds?”

3.「买玉买到我都睏了,得在你的地板上打个盹儿。要是我染上了什麽致命疾病,请把我叫醒。」

“All of this jade shopping has tired me out. I am going to go to sleep on your floor. Please wake me up if I catch a fatal disease.”

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4.「这尊我父母亲爱的玉凋真她奶奶的糟糕。旅行支票你收吗?」

“This jade statue of my parents having a loving fuck is horrendous. Can I pay for it using a traveler’s check?”

5.「像是这尊的你有没有,但是要我爸爸皱眉的,不要他爽到大叫的。」

“Do you have a statue such as this one, but in which my father is frowning instead of shrieking with ecstasy?”

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6.「好样的!这尊刻着我父母无聊性爱姿势的玉凋尺寸比他们还大!麻烦你帮我一起抬到直升
机上!」

“Yes! Yes! This statue of my parents having sex in the most boring position is bigger than my real parents! Please help me carry it to my helicopter!”

7.「玉要价不菲我是知道的,但是只要能买到一尊刻着我父母为了打发《价格猜猜猜》三分钟
广告时间而胡乱做爱的玉凋,我什麽钱都愿意付。」

“I know jade is expensive, but I am willing to pay any price in order to afford a solid jade statue of my mother and father slogging through a mediocre lovemaking session to kill three minutes during a commercial break while they wait for the The Price Is Right to come back on.”

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8.「我玉凋版的父亲向我眨眼,逼得我不得已开车把他辗过去。他们做爱时我父亲闭着眼睛的
玉凋你可有吗?」

“The jade version of my father winked at me, and I had to run the statue over with my car. Do you have a jade statue of my parents having sex where my father will wink at me less often?”

9.「母亲和父亲做爱时弹的贝斯凋得实在太完美了,真是巧夺天工。下回我去理髮厅的时候得
把这尊精湛的玉凋放在怀裡,这样理髮的时候好有个东西可看。」

“The bass guitar my mother is playing while she has sex with my father in this jade statue looks perfect. Thank you for your wonderful craftsmanship. I will place this wonderful statue on my lap when I go to the barbershop so that I have something to look at while my barber cuts my hair.”

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