A New Way To Connect: This Amazing New Dating App Pairs You Up With Singles Trapped In The Same Troubled Child’s Nightmare As You

With so many dating apps out there, finding the right one can feel virtually impossible. But thankfully, one company has created a new way to connect: This amazing new matchmaking service pairs you up with singles trapped in the same troubled child’s nightmare as you!

Finally, a better way to find someone you’ll actually connect with! This app is about to Change. The. Game.


The app, which is called Clutch, is designed to hook you up with single people who you may never have realized were stuck in the same deeply disturbed boy’s time-bending nightmare as you. According to developers, all you have to do is fill out your profile, and it will automatically compare you with people of similar ages and interests who are also trapped in the vines that stretch out of a giant, staticky projection of the boy’s father’s face and which are sapping you of life.

Yep. All you need is an Android or an iPhone and you can start looking ASAP! Let’s just say that if you’re sick of running from hallway to hallway of the troubled boy’s dream version of his grandmother’s apartment building trying to meet people, you’re probably going to want to download Clutch yesterday.

According to Clutch, tons of young, single people trying to survive a feverish dreamscape in the brain of a child have already signed up, all while trying to outrun a rabid 20-foot dog that is a textbook manifestation of fear. Unlike other apps like Tinder, though, when you sign up for Clutch, you can upload your specific interests, like whether you’re looking for someone who wants to outrun the dog, kill the dog, sacrifice themselves to the dog, or hide from the dog.

Plus, the user reviews so far are amazing. That’s because with Clutch, fewer people end up getting stuck hanging off of the burning hot metal monkey bars that appear every couple minutes with somebody they can barely hold a conversation with. This app’s patented algorithm actually works to find you someone who loves the same things you do—and isn’t just a manifestation of the boy’s subconscious that will kill you in an instant.


So, if you think all the “good ones” are taken and trying to save their significant others from the bottomless well full of liquid lead that the boy’s evil piano teacher lives in, Clutch might be the best app you download all month. No, it’s not easy to find someone in the demented dreamscape you’re trapped in who likes all the same books full of inscrutable words that drip away as soon as you try to focus your eyes on them as you do. But Clutch is trying to help solve that problem—and we are so here for it.

Wow. What an awesome new way to meet people. Whether you just want something more short-term or a partner to stay with until the dream ends and everybody in it materializes, Clutch has a setting for that. Congrats, single people—this is going to change your life! That is, until the boy whose dream you’re in wakes up!


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