There are so many moron fish in the aquarium that sometimes it’s hard to know which is the least dumb. Lucky for you, we wasted our time staring at big, useless boxes of water so you don’t have to. Here are all the dipshit ocean things we saw, ranked:
All this floating imbecile did was look right at us with its two stupid fish eyes, shooting it straight to the bottom of this all-star bozo list.
Just barely above that last colored lump, these little weirdos spent all their time just bumping into each other. Even if you’re a doofus fish, you should be able to swim.
Not much better. Looks like a big idiot. Even if you try tapping on the glass, it’s still a big idiot.
14. Sea Urchin
13. Midwater Shrimp
Basically just stared at the butthole of this five-legged loser for a long time while it pressed itself against the glass. Still not the worst though.
11. Southern Stingray
10. Hammerhead Shark
Bet this guy probably thought he’d be No. 1 on this list. Time to bring this big swimming dope down a peg.
9. Sea Cucumber
This thing doesn’t technically have a brain, but they let you touch it. So, that part’s actually pretty sweet.
8. Nurse Shark
Better than that dumb, squishy rock, but still very shitty for a shark.
What’s the rush, eel? Think you’ll move higher than No. 7? Here’s a hint: no.
5. Pacific Octopus
4. Two-Spot Octopus
No one can tell the difference between you and that other octopus, you dummy.
This is the fattest bozo in the aquarium, and it’s always near the back of the fucking tank. If it weren’t so breathtakingly fat it’d be dead last.
We loved this monster. But our kid hated this monster. And we hate it when our kid hates things and then cries.
1. Harbor Seal
Not a fish, but we got to leave after seeing it. All right!