Okay, ladies! The spring fashion trends have officially arrived, and that means it’s time to kick your closet into top gear! So keep those old floral prints and throw out your useless pleated pants and bury those beautiful rompers for the future and cremate your fucking chambray because it’s trash now!
That’s right, gals! Your closet needs a complete face-lift, and the only way to make it happen is to clutch your floral prints close to you and whisper to them that you will keep them safe! Your rompers are not for right now. Get those rompers underground ASAP! You will dig them up in the future when they are ripe.
Ladies, all of your chambray needs to be on fire immediately because it is now deeply wretched. Chambray has become disgusting for fashion, and you need to burn all your chambray while you wear all of your turtlenecks at the same time.
Pleated pants are OUT and need to be TOSSED into the PROPELLOR of a BLACK HAWK MILITARY CHOPPER. Floral prints are IN and need to be COVETED and HOARDED in DARK AND SECRET PLACES.
Sprint into your closet immediately and look around. Everything plaid needs to be covered in sunscreen ASAP. Put your lip gloss in a glass of warm water and hide it under a pile of leaves!
Please bury your rompers for later!
Ladies, it’s simple. Do not dig up your rompers until many centuries have passed! This is how it has to be for spring fashion! All chambray shirts need to be blasted to hell with big, hot fires, and you KNOW that you’ve got to feed the ashes of your chambray shirts to an old sick cat, ladies! It’s spring now! Fashion is the only way to be with your closet!
Oh, ladies! Oh, gals from all locations! Please listen! Put your bathrobe into the trunk of your car, and then sell your car and use the money to buy more bathrobes! Put your strapless dresses and your sandals together in a garbage bag and sit on them! Pleated pants are helpful for nobody! Leave them in the dust for eternity and let animals do nasty things to them! This is one of the top trends of spring!
WOMEN, PLEASE THIS IS AN EMERGENCY ABOUT SPRING FASHION! You need to soak a pair of denim culottes in a bucket of Coca-Cola! You need to stitch all of your floral dresses together into a baffling quilt of trendy chaos! You need to mail your suede ankle boots to the U.S. Marines!
At last, sadly, we must talk again about the abominable chambray. Chambray is the stink-fabric. It has no home in the palace of Spring Fashion. Burn your chambray now. It has become garbage. This is the only way to be trendy. This is the only way to please God. This is the only way to have Spring Fashion.