Gym class is fun and lighthearted for the majority of sixth-graders at Elk Ridge Middle School, but for others, it’s no game. Here’s a ranking of every sixth-grader who goes all-out during gym-class badminton ranked by how much they smell like shit for the rest of the day.


5. Josh

Josh spends most of gym-class badminton diving on the ground in his pursuit of glory, which makes him smell like a goddamned monster for the rest of the day. All that 110 percent effort and time spent on the ground means Josh works up an absolutely gnarly stench that’s been making it so students in third-period home ec don’t even want their cinnamon rolls. Luckily Mrs. Donaldson pulled him aside a couple days ago and told him he needs to start hitting the showers after gym class. Josh has since heeded the call, and that’s earned him a spot as the least smelly of the sixth-graders obsessed with badminton.


4. Heather

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So far Heather’s a class-best 11-to-1 in badminton, and it’s because she’s a complete animal willing to get totally drenched in sweat first thing in the morning if it means never notching another loss on her record. She always wears elbow pads and kneepads, and it’s painfully obvious to everyone that she just bunches them up in a ball after gym and never, ever washes them. That’s why Mr. Mcpherron put about 15 Glade PlugIns all around his classroom to cover up the abominable smell she wears around as a trophy for the rest of the day.


3. Colton

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Honestly, Colton sucks ass at badminton, but he doesn’t hold anything back because he’s by far the biggest kid in class, and losing to smaller kids day after day is killing him inside. This absolute unit is so damn sweaty by the end of class that he never really dries off, and unfortunately that’s made most of his friends start eating lunch as fast as possible so they can get out of the lunchroom before Colton sits down and funks the place up.


2. Zach

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Since being introduced to badminton three weeks ago in gym class, Zach has fallen in love with the sport and you can tell because he plays with the heart of a goddamned lion, and everyone’s nostrils pay for it. His “A+” effort literally steams up the badminton goggles his parents bought him. He’s always having to take them off mid-match to wipe them off, and the whole time, his body is just radiating foulness. Kids have started spraying Zach with Axe body spray in the halls, and not as a mean prank thing, but because he honestly smells so fucking bad. In any other list, Zach would be the worst-smelling kid after badminton, but then there’s Danny.


1. Danny

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Okay, so this kid just straight-up smells like shit at pretty much all times. Every single day in gym class, Danny plays racquetball so fucking hard that he pukes and has to lie down on the bleachers for a while. And after just a few short minutes lying on the bleachers, this stinker is back up and at it again, despite coach telling him to call it a day. Danny just can’t control himself. Even after turning pale and barfing his heart out, he sprints after balls that are no longer even in play and continues raining down terror on far-less-interested kids long after they’ve resigned to just letting Danny win. And the truly repulsive sweat-puke combo that follows Danny for the rest of the day earns him the top spot on this list. Last week, the custodian walked into Danny’s fifth-period class because he was walking by and thought something had died. Compared to Danny, everyone else on this list smells like a ripe Georgia peach.