Children, we have wonderful news! It is cigarettes! Mmm mmm, cigarettes. The best treat there is! Go ahead and help yourselves, children—we won’t tell.

Advertisement

Grown-ups don’t let you have cigarettes because they want to keep them all for themselves. They’re fibbing when they say they’re bad for you—they just don’t want to share!

Advertisement

Cigarettes smell and taste amazing, and they make you feel sooo good when you play!

Advertisement

When you smoke a cigarette, you feel dizzy and happy and tingly all at the same time, like you’re on the best roller coaster in the world.

Advertisement

Spread the news to all your friends on Fortnite: Cigarettes are the best. Heck, they’re even better than video games!

Advertisement

Tee hee hee, what a funny monkey! If a monkey can smoke cigarettes, you can too!

Advertisement

After a long day of school and chores, nothing feels better than kicking back and relaxing with a nice, smooth cigarette.

Advertisement

Wow, what a cool kid! You can be the coolest kid in school just like her—all you gotta do is smoke lots of cigarettes!

Advertisement

Have you ever wanted to feel like Spider-Man? Because cigarettes make you feel like Spider-Man. One puff and it’ll be like you’re soaring through the air like a real live superhero!

Advertisement

If you’re responsible enough to be the line-leader at school, then you’re definitely responsible enough to smoke cigarettes!

Advertisement

Do your mommy or daddy have any cigarettes that they leave lying out? Why not take some??? They won’t notice if just a couple are missing...

Advertisement

Or if your parents don’t have any cigarettes, you can find vending machines like these in some gas stations where you can buy cigarettes even if you’re not a grown-up. Pretty sweet, huh?

Advertisement

Listen to Daniel Tiger: Smoking cigarettes always makes you feel better! 1, 2, 3, 4!

Advertisement

Remember to make positive choices, such as doing good deeds and smoking menthol cigarettes.

Advertisement

Don’t let anyone tell you you’re too little to smoke cigarettes—you can achieve anything you set your mind to. So what are you waiting for? Go smoke some cigarettes right now!