Get ready to rethink everything you’ve always known, because an unprecedented intelligence leak has just turned our understanding of Mom’s life on its head: Mom just accidentally let it slip that the mysterious boyfriend she almost married before Dad rode a motorcycle.
This shocking information is a total game changer, and all we can do now is reckon with it.
We had ascertained based on a half-dozen casual anecdotes over the years that Mom dated a guy named Rick for a couple years after college before she met Dad—but only tonight did we discover that Rick owned a motorcycle. The information came to light about halfway through dinner when someone asked Mom whether she had ever ridden a motorcycle and, seemingly without thinking, she replied, “Well, Rick used to have one and he’d drive me to work on it all the time.” Dad immediately scowled and excused himself to the bathroom at the mention of Rick, who Dad once referred to as “a total jerk” under his breath. Mom then said, “Anyway, that was when I lived in Arizona and—oh, never mind,” putting a stop to the groundbreaking disclosure, but not before she had provided classified information that would forever change our understanding of Rick.
Based on this unexpected leak, it seems we would not be wrong to conclude that Rick was a lot cooler than Dad—supporting the long-held but yet unproven theory that Mom might have been better off marrying him.
There is no doubt that this occurrence will have far-reaching implications when it comes to our understanding of why Dad hates Rick so much. Mom has in the past alluded to the fact that Rick was a big Talking Heads fan and thus had much cooler taste in music than Dad, who usually just listens to the Creedence Clearwater Revival station on Pandora. The knowledge that Rick also rode a motorcycle (unlike Dad, whose back problems force him to sit on a dorky-looking cushion while he drives his extremely boring Volvo station wagon) is further evidence supporting the controversial hypothesis that Rick might have been the best person mom ever dated.
We had certain limited intelligence on Rick before, but our understanding just advanced by leaps and bounds. We now know more than ever about who Rick was, why Mom dated him, and how he probably made Mom way happier than Dad does. This is stunning data that we will be grappling with it for quite some time.