While it may be more comfortable to ignore it, the facts are the facts: No matter how remote the chances, the oldest woman in the world may show up to your grandmother’s funeral and triumphantly flip the casket to underscore how another challenger has failed to unseat her as the oldest woman. It’s better to be prepared than to pretend it could never happen to you. Here are the best ways to be deal when it does.
Understand what drives the oldest woman in the world.
While it can certainly be overwhelming when the oldest woman in the world topples your grandmother’s casket after unexpectedly showing up mid-service, it’s important to remember why she’s there: To send a message. By wedging a crowbar underneath the coffin, sending the massive box crashing to the ground and screaming “I remain!” at your grandmother’s exposed, limp body, the oldest woman in the world is displaying her dominance over not only your grandmother, but over death itself. She’s painting your grandmother as weak for having succumbed to death, and is boldly challenging death to strike her down in front of the entire, shocked congregation, if it can.
Establish a sense of order.
Once the casket is flipped, it’s important to establish order as quickly as possible before the funeral spirals into absolute chaos. Making a strong announcement that the funeral will continue, casket flipped or unflipped, has been proven effective. If the oldest woman in the world has progressed to threatening the mourning with her crowbar while muttering, “Gimme another box to flip, cower at my advanced age,” a strong announcement can be the difference between saving the funeral and allowing it to completely fall apart.
Once an announcement is made, your next step is going to be tending to the body. Leaving your grandmother’s lifeless remains lying on the floor as the oldest woman in the world stands on top of a pew, helicoptering her crowbar over her head in celebration, won’t do anyone any good. In fact, it’s exactly what the old woman wants to happen.
Enter lockdown mode.
After the casket is flipped, it’s important to enter lockdown mode to ensure things don’t go completely off the rails. Among the most useful tips during the lockdown is to refrain from feeding the oldest woman in the world. That has been shown to get her even more riled up, sending her into a fit where she screams about how consuming lean protein will allow her to plunge death’s head into a rain gutter, until death stops wriggling around like the little shitstain he is.
Additionally, putting furniture in front of every electrical socket in the building has been proven effective. While it doesn’t happen every time she flips a casket, the oldest woman in the world is sometimes known to lie down on the ground and claw at electrical sockets while muttering, “I will never die,” putting the entire congregation at risk of an electrical fire.
The oldest woman in the world flipped your grandmother’s casket, and that’s okay.
At one point or another, everyone goes through it. Whether it’s their grandmother’s funeral or a complete stranger’s, you’d be hard-pressed to find someone who hasn’t been through the ringer at the hands of the oldest woman in the world destroying a funeral, cementing her claim as the oldest woman, and pointing at another old woman at the funeral and saying, “Can’t wait to flip your casket…soon.” It’s simply a fact of life, and all you can do is be prepared.