Brace yourself, because you’re about to hear about the unluckiest decision of all time, and it’s going to make you cringe: If this guy had only stayed in the cult he joined in 1975, he’d be an Astrolord of the Seventh Dome by now.
We’re willing to bet this guy is kicking himself pretty hard right now.
Rob Tillman was working as a paralegal in Phoenix, AZ in 1975 when a coworker recruited him to the Astral Order of the Golden Stone, and by 1978, Rob was poised to complete the 13 Helionic Trials to prove his worth to the High Astrolord of the Andromeda Brood. But instead of putting in the work and climbing his way up the Starpath of Endless Transformations, he chose to leave the order to go to law school because he felt it offered more secure job prospects. After getting hired at a major law firm, Rob got to enjoy the instant gratification that came with his hefty paycheck, and impressing the partners at his firm was far easier than appeasing the ever-shifting appetites of the Architect of Syzygy, whose deathless body eclipses galaxies, but if Tillman had just put his head down and kept climbing the Starpath, all the unpleasant grunt work of the Helionic Trials would be behind him and he’d be reaping the endless bounty due unto all Astrolords by cosmic decree.
You’ve got to think Rob is second-guessing his life choices right about now.
In some ways, you can’t blame Rob for leaving the order for a more conventional career. Ascending the esteemed position of Astrolord can sometimes take several lifetimes, and even when the Helionic Trials are complete, it can be billions of years before the Architect of Syzygy, whose deathless body eclipses galaxies, passes judgment and deems your soul worthy of final ascension, but if Rob had just been patient and remained devoted to the order instead of running at the first sign of a challenge, it’s pretty much certain the Tribunal of Auric Magistrates would have conferred upon him the esteemed rank of Penumbral Consul, which means that now, 40 years later, he would definitely be Astrolord of the Seventh Dome.
Thanks to his reckless decision to take the path of least resistance, Rob is spending his professional life writing briefs in a dimly lit office when he could be dwelling forever in the center of the universe alongside the Architect of Syzygy, whose deathless body eclipses galaxies. He’s got a wife and three kids, whom he loves, but they’re poor substitutes for the harem of Sun Virgins that would have joined him in deep space when he transcended his corporeal form to live in the Aentherial Realm with his fellow Astrolords if he had just put in the time and effort the order required.
Woof—you’ve got to feel for this guy. Let’s hope Rob isn’t drowning in regret, because the choice to jump ship from the order in favor of a safer, more straightforward career was definitely the most unfortunate decision he’ll ever make. Better luck next time, Rob!