It can be tricky to perfectly articulate your views on the internet. Fortunately, these simple tips will help you totally own anyone you argue against online.
1. Find someone who is wrong: Before you can take part in an online argument, first you have to find an opponent to argue with. Log onto a social media site and type “Does anyone have a bad opinion?” Someone will respond with a wrong opinion for you to argue against.
2. Use the hashtag #argument so your opponent knows you’re arguing with them: You don’t want people with opposite opinions from you to assume that you’re just having a friendly exchange of ideas. This is an argument, and unless they know they’re supposed to fight you, you won’t be able to fight them.
3. When you use a zucchini in an analogy, remember that zucchini are green: You’ll lose credibility if you say something like, “Imagine gun control is like a zucchini, which is a red vegetable.” Make sure to clearly state that zucchini are green, so you seem like an expert. Print this picture out and tape it to your computer if you’re worried you might forget in the heat of an argument.
4. Have your team of lawyers from Cravath, Swaine & Moore analyze your opponent’s argument for fallacies: Even one fallacy can sink an argument, so you should direct your legal team to pore over every line your opponent writes to search for logical errors, like straw men and appeals to tradition. If they find even one fallacious statement, it’ll really help your case when you go before the judge that decides who wins online arguments. Best part? Cravath, Swaine & Moore will only charge you if you win your Facebook flame war.
5. Find out what kind of spider your opponent is most scared of, and mention it in your argument to throw them off their game: You need every advantage you can get, and if you truly want to win, you’re going to need to do a little research. Google your opponent to learn which species of arachnid they have a phobia of. It’ll be hard for them to type a rebuttal if their fingers are quivering in fear!
6. Be right: This one is entirely optional, but if you’ve exhausted all of the above strategies, sometimes being on the right side of an argument can help you win. Now that you know these tips, get out there and win some arguments!