In Honor Of America’s First Amendment, Here Are A Bunch Of Controversial Statements

Flickr via Len Schrantz

July 4th is a time to reflect on America’s most treasured freedoms. Today we honor the First Amendment to the U.S. Constitution with these inflammatory opinions.

  • If your dad is rich enough to own a boat, you should get to vote twice.
  • There should not be a China.
  • John McCain invented drunk driving.
  • Jesus was fat. When the Apostles saw Jesus coming, they said things like, “Hoo boy! Look at that morbidly obese asshole.”
  • If your first or last name is Wesley, you should be killed.
  • People should have to write the number of Twitter followers they have on their shirts so that firefighters know who to save during emergencies.
  • 9/11 was boring.
  • If a witch eats the president, that witch should become president.
  • Ukrainian people are scary.
  • The best pizza topping is human skin.
  • Sirhan Sirhan is a decent, beautiful man.
  • Public schools should be required to also teach the positive side of drowning.
  • Zoo animals should be forced to watch videos of animals roaming free in the wild.
  • Steve Jobs is the reason there are guns in America.
  • The Shawshank Redemption, while not a bad movie by any stretch of the imagination, is somewhat overrated.
  • Piss.
  • The American flag is weird.
  • A woman’s place is in the sky with the goddamned birds.
  • World War II should have been a tie.
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